Simple, Not Average

What's the difference between "simple" and "average"? Aren't they the same? Dawn asked me this today.

Being simple doesn't mean being average. Being average has a sense of dissatisfaction about it, and even with a simple life you can be the happiest person in the world. I don't need the luxury to have an excellent quality life, I just want a simple, peaceful and fulfilled life:)

Today we got our result slips back and I didn't do well :( But I wasn't terribly disappointed because I feel what I got was deserving of the effort I put in. I find I put in quite a bit of effort but I could actually do more, so yeah :/ And to the sad souls out there worried about the future i'd like to dedicate two songs:

 

Yesterday

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

 

Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

 

Why she had to go
I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday

 

Yesterday love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

 

Why she had to go?
I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday

 

Yesterday love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

 

 

Hey Jude

Hey jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey jude, don't be afraid.
You were made to go out and get her.
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

Hey jude, don't let me down.
You have found her, now go and get her.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey jude, begin,
Youre waiting for someone to perform with.
And don't you know that it's just you, hey jude, you'll do,
The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her under your skin,
Then you'll begin to make it
Better better better better better better, oh.

Na na na na na ,na na na, hey jude...

 

Haha some of my peedubs (PW mates) and I were playing The Beatles as we worked. I really like some of their songs - so simple compared to the complicated modern songs now, yet we can all relate to them so well.

 

I'm going to work hard during the hols and make sure I get good grades next year!!!I'm not expecting to be outstanding and snag some badass course in an awesome uni and earn the big bucks when I get out to work - I just want to enjoy the process deliberately, like a tortoise!

 

Haha just for randomness sake i'm gonna put up pics of yours truly and Skippy!:)

 

                           

 

 

 



Here Comes The Sun

 

Here Comes The Sun

Here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo)
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
It's all right

 

It's been a dark period and now i'm going to take in a deep breath and embrace the sun - the start of a new day. I'm going to cheer myself up and enjoy the beauty of the world before it's too late.

 

Also, what do you think of my new blogskin! I decided to have a fresh look for my blog so I got a nice template and started playing around with the html. I love it - it's simple and colourful as well. I put in a couple of Alice in Wonderland quotes too. The concept of Alice in Wonderland never gets old:)

 

I've taken a liking to Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles, but I feel the Glee cover of it by Demi Lovato and Naya Rivera (love her unique voice) is more soothing :) When I heard it I remembered one of my guitar mates Ryan played the tune before so I decided to have a closer listen.

 

The lyrics is so quietly reassuring and encouraging. It does feel like years have passed since I've started to breathe normally and the ice from the previous few days is slowly melting. Even though some of my thoughts still remain the same, I'm still going to move forward with a smiling demeanour.

 

 

I also want to dedicate this song to whoever is going through a tough time, because spring will always come after winter to melt away the ice. Meanwhile smile and warm yourselves looking forward to the dawn of spring.

 

I love this picture of a snow-filled street though - it has such a Christmasy feeling to it and i'm looking forward to Christmas even though for the past few years Christmas always seemed to end on a lonely note for me. They've already begun to put up the Christmas lights in Orchard and i'm really looking forward to the special atmosphere of Christmas!

 

I've been confronted with ideas of getting into a relationship by my mom and some of my friends these days, and honestly I don't think I can even (LOL) cos i'm not really girlfriend material or anything.. So whenever someone brings up a possibility of getting romantically involved i'm like: Really? You sure? Me? I don't think so.

 

Of course I do have fancies now and then but I'm not very bothered by them cos I've been so preoccupied with school work and friendship issues, so I think i'll just leave it to fate.

 

 

 

Meanwhile one thing that always remains constant is that I love retiring to my dreams. I love it when I prepare to go to bed and feel completely at rest - it's one of the best things in life. I want to die in my sleep when the day I die comes. And at my funeral i'd like to have dream catchers all around my coffin because I want to be released from this world flying with my dreams.

 

 

 



Alone

And I don't mean the typical loneliness that everyone thinks of when they see the word "alone".

On Monday while waiting for the other PW mates to arrive, Ida and I were in the canteen talking. I was helping her find an inspiration and idea for her painting to be submitted for the UOB Young Artists Competition, and she decided to pick the topic of Loneliness.

What do people always think of when they think of Loneliness?

Tears. Sadness. Black and white. Excluded. Shunned. Unwelcome. Alone...alone.

And then they say "You don't understand at all."

It isn't wrong to associate the feeling with all that's been mentioned. But people seem to focus on the negative aspect of loneliness.

Right now I'm alone in the living room at 1.04 am in front of the computer screen writing a blog post while waiting for my PW mate to send me the written report so I can proof read, format and edit it. I'm not alone yet but I will once my group mate sends the document to me and goes to sleep. The rest have died already.

Today there was a clash between my group members and I tried to ease the situation.

I'm getting shit these days but instead of indignance I feel lonely, which is weird.

My group mates all have their problems too and most of what comes out from their mouth is hatred, anger, disappointment. They say things like "I know you have this prob and that, but please remember I ALSO HAVE MY OWN PROB" etc etc.

I realised most of the time I get mad only because people are quarrelling, like my PW mates or my parents. Other than that I don't really get mad about things related to me, and whenever a situation comes I automatically try to understand them.

In all that niceness I feel lonely. It's the weirdest way to feel lonely. Being able to understand what most others cannot (not the academics but the feelings). Because I start to ask myself:

If I always make myself understand others, will anyone try to understand me?

The only ones I can safely say will try to understand me are my parents. I love them so much because they try to understand me. They aren't as loving to each other as most of my other friends' parents but my parents are special people.

I have many friends who trust me and come to me with troubles. I used to go to them with troubles too, but lately all the stuff that has happened made me decide that I will not open my heart to just anyone, even those whom I call best friends.

Truthfully, I don't believe there can easily be best friends. I'm starting to have trust issues, and it doesn't help that I am insecure to begin with, coupled with my tendency to put on an act to everyone I see.

Doesn't God get lonely sometimes? Being able to see what any other being cannot. But you wouldn't say his loneliness, if he ever had loneliness, negative. It is necessary. It has to exist. Everything has a role.

I'm not likening myself to God or whatever, but I think this loneliness I feel is necessary. I have a role to play in other people's worlds. I'm not their main character, so I will play my part and be the one that tries her best to understand.

If everyone tried to be the main character, then there won't be any story. Then again, what is a story without its villains and fairy godmothers?

Flame and the Blue Wind

Flame and the Blue Wind

For the one in blue

 

Nearby, but always disappearing

Comforting, but still unsure

Available, but never anyone's to hold

Like a wind, a wind in blue

 

Steady flame, resolute to never falter

Alight with gentle rays of hope

Burning with bright determination

Always here to light the night

 

But forever steady she wasn't

Behold the entrance of the wind

The flame's heart learnt how to dance

with past shadows awakening to the music

 

The funny little flame,

dancing and shining when all is still

yet lame and modest when the wind blew

But she was always watching

 

All helpless and dim

during thunderstorms and tornadoes

Though wanting to comfort with warm rays

But always never reaching the blueness

 

Now the wind has gone

All that's left are still shadows

Frozen painfully with no silhouettes

Nothing with a complete form

 

Flame burning on in the stillness

Here to light the night as always

But dim and quiet like a funeral

Not likely to be the same again.

 



 

 

 



Ride of Turmoil

The past few days've been really eventful and it feels like my life is a mess - i'm not enjoying all of this (though I should make the best out of them).

I cried on Friday at school - the first in a very long time. I've never cried even at home this year before Friday. Well i'm not proud of it at all, and I think it was stupid of me to cry. The word "cry" breaks from the mouth as you pronounce it, like a shaking and trembling syllable tearing and shredding through the air like a tear drop. If I ever cried I wanted it to be tears of laughter and happiness.

"Sorry but I don't really want to talk to you now."

It felt like a slap to my face. Did you know? Of course I am absolutely at fault for all of it. I was irresponsible, selfish and insensitive. You had every right to scold me, yell at me for stopping work just so I could have my petty 5 hours of sleep. If you could tank, why couldn't have I? I deserved that verbal slap. But I can't help but feel like I've been stripped naked and left out cold.

Your words burned. I tried so hard to breathe, trying to change my guilt into indignance so that the bad feeling won't gnaw so. I ran away to break away from what you did, but concern and comfort from the friends who ran after me just broke all my defences and I cried. Bloody hell I cried and I still hate myself for it. Yes it is good to let out the feelings BUT I didn't deserve the concern I got.

I'm so affected, not just because I'm weak, but because all this while everyone has thought me nice, considerate and harmless, even though it was all just so that I could be safe in everyone's impressions. I thought since people think that way i'd never have to worry about being disliked and attacked. But it seems I was wrong.

Yes, now we're on great talking terms because your anger has dissipated. But it stings and I find it all hard to forget. No it wasn't your fault, it is mine. But I never want to cry ever again for such a stupid reason.

 

The past three days we had some peer-tutoring CIP activity my PW group organised as fieldwork, and while it ended great, truthfully I was a little dissatisfied, mostly with myself.

 

I now believe that i suck at communicating with children. My fellow guitar tutors were giving me advice on how to talk to children and while I appreciated the feedback, i was berating myself inside while they kindly advised me.

 

I'm not a fucking spoilt brat (the youngest daughter in my family) who grew up in comfort and therefore doesn't know shit about kids or hate kids or anything. My mom used to babysit babies and toddlers a lot in the past full time so while I helped with the daily household chores like folding and hanging clothes, sometimes vacuuming and mopping I would feed them, sometimes bathe them and play with them.

 

But while I know how to look after their needs i realise I have no idea how to communicate with them, which is a lot like my mom. When I was younger I always felt like my mom didn't understand me at all even though she was great at meeting all the household needs. It was only when I hit secondary school that my mom and I slowly began to connect, and today my mom (and my dad too) are my best friends and I love them though I still get angry at them when they quarrel about the most unimportant things ever.

 

I find it so cool when I just talk about stuff like friends, CCA, gossip and even boys with my parents, and instead of responding with "Don't do this" or other naggy stuff, my parents chat with me casually and sometimes even give the funniest (and sometimes underhand sly) tips.

 

I am so much better and communicating with the elderly, like during SLV I felt so comfortable when I talked and laughed with the elderly at TungLing Eldercare. I can somehow understand the elderly better than kids even though I was once a kid and not yet an elderly.

 

Yeah so today was the last day at the CIP event at CDAC Sengkang, and the kids were awesome:)

 

My days have been filled with so much turmoil and all I just want is peace. I'm so disappointed cos with all the worries and stress I've deviated from my diet plan and I feel horrible and weak. When PW is done i'm going to find my inner peace.

 

But it would be difficult because we all go round and round, up and down in life, never stopping, hardly slowing, and we never find time to enjoy the scenery around us cos everything is in a whirl, a myriad of colours blending altogether, like the amusement park ride below.





My Feelings, Thoughts, Perspectives

Haha lemme just put this MV of Zedd's Stay the Night featuring Paramore' Hayley Williams! I'm not really a huge fan of electronic music but i think Zedd's really talented and i appreciate his form of music :)

Lately I chanced upon a fellow Victorian's tumblr and when i was reading it i realised there were many things i could relate to this person. How we both take to writing posts as a form of release, how we mull and keep thinking about life - the fears, the expectations, the opinions. I found myself echoing this person's thoughts, nodding along as i scrolled through pages.

Self-Acceptance
And this person (whom i don't know personally) actually seems like a really popular person, well-liked, has things going great etc. from what i see (i recognise the person) yet the pages of the person's blog is filled with constant but really deep questions about acceptance, worries about meeting expectations and insecurities of the future. One part of it i remember significantly was when the person scrutinized its appearance and pointed out one feature it was largely dissatisfied about. All that went through my mind as i read that part was something i heard before:

And it went something like,
You don't have to keep worrying about changing that feature you're not proud of, because one day someone is gonna love you for you and that feature which you were so ashamed of is gonna be the feature that person loves the most.

I'm not so sure about the part about someone loving the feature you dislike, but i do know that the feature you dislike isn't bad at all, because it's what defines you. Despite this fact i'm still open to ideas of surgery and all, because sometimes we just need that small boost of reassurance and confidence that comes with perfectionism.

It's been 4 days since i started my plan to lose weight and i'm happy to say i managed to be disciplined. Even though i sometimes get sad,empty and miserable from excluding carbos mostly (and there're so many good food with carbos) and working out at the gym, i'm actually very happy knowing that i can actually do this! I feel more confident too, and making my own food is the best part, such as the 'breakfast' i had for 'dinner' today.

Toasted wholemeal bread with ham, egg, diced tomatoes, a dollop of tuna, cut apples and milk for dinner!
The bread was the only carbs i let myself have today cos i had Caesar salad for breakfast, rootbeer for lunch and so i needed some energy. Making my own food and eating it makes me happy haha. Mom tried it and liked it alot so i promised her i'd make it for her breakfast one day.

Root beer that looks like real beer! Had this at Genki Sushi at Orchard Central while watching Patrick eat his sushis and oyakodon and talking about life today.

Religion
Another thing that hit me while reading this person's tumblr was the constant praise of God. Now this is a really really sensitive subject - Religion.

I was born and raised in a Christian family, growing up listening in awe to the Bible stories, singing along to hymns and being taught that there was this powerful omniscient figure called God who loves me and sent his son Jesus to die for my sins. I know all the Bible stories, understood what was taught me and for most of my childhood went along with all of it. I said my prayers before meals and before going to bed, participated enthusiastically at Sunday school memorising Bible verses and obediently followed what my family did.

However at the crucial and sensitive stage of entering my adolescent years, church conflicts about what version of the Bible to use split the church in two and my family moved to another church. At that time i as young and all i was concerned about was not being able to play with my Sunday school mates after Bible lessons. We kept moving churches to see where we felt comfortable in and finally settled at GLCC. By then i was a confused teen with unsteady faith. To make things worse my eldest sister who back slided in her faith often had deep conversations with me (at 13-14 years old) questioning Christianity and like Adam and Eve with the extra knowledge, i started having my doubts fester and grow and those trusting and faithful moments i had with God just burned off.

Now i'm still going to church with my family, but i feel like a traitor. My eldest sister accepted the Lord again after she met her husband but i'm still stuck here with my doubts. My family knows that i haven't been 'saved', and everytime it's Holy Communion week i wish i could just bolt out the door when i pass the tray of communion over. I refuse to get baptised (even though it's easy for anyone to just fake their belief and get baptised) because i'm not a liar even if i'm not a believer. And i still go to church because i'm not going to firmly cut off my beliefs - i'm still trying to see. It's not like i'm not giving believing in God a chance. I don't actually sleep with my eyes open during sermons. I'm still searching. But i admit i'm not searching hard enough.

I know how evangelists reach out to unbelievers. The touching story of how God gave his only begotten son to die on the cross for our petty sins. The magnitude of God's unconditional and merciful love and pardon moves the unbeliever's heart. I know all of that, but i just don't feel it. How do you expect me to believe if i don't feel anything? And what makes it worse is that i already know what they're gonna preach and say because the teachings still burn deep from my childhood. I sometimes envy the unbelievers who start with a clean slate and are more ready to take in God's Word. But me. I just can't take it in. I'm sorry.

Being a good friend
I'm an introvert. I love spending time alone doing things i enjoy because that's how i gain my energy. But most of close friends are extroverts and somehow i think they like my companionship. And it's because these extrovert friends of mine need a listening ear. Which is what i provide most of the time. A listening ear. or ears.

 It's funny that i don't actually say much but my friends keep wanting to hang out, like these days Dawn's been wanting to hang out even though i've been having her over at my house more often, and Patrick's also been wanting to go out. Just this evening Weijun my son called after his Night Study wanting to talk because he was troubled so i invited him over to my house so he could tell me his troubles as i worked on my WR but since mom and dad was home he just kept quiet so i made him study beside me as i worked. About 9 i decided to go down with him to the coffeeshop and have some drinks so he'd be more comfortable with talking.

Mom commented to Dad that she finds that my friends all look for me when they're troubled and most of the time i get nothing in return, or have no one to turn to when i'm the one troubled. Which i find partially true actually. It feels like i spend my socialising time giving attention to others who need it. But it's not that i mind it at all actually. This is how i socialise. I do know how to control, because for introverts like me, i get tired easily from socialising while my extroverted friends gain my energy, so i usually don't reply or don't go out, and just stay home to regain my energy alone. I appreciate loneliness, and i think this is what makes me special. Mom said i should be a cousellor haha.

New inspirations

Promos are over!:) I hope I can promote haha but i'm not too worried about that now. I love the new pics I saved for this post, especially the one on top^^

All that's left this year is sickening PW (my senior Huibin just had to remind me of PW when I was "boasting" that my exams were over and his wasn't till Friday when I saw him on the way to the bus stop), and some guitar attendance admin to clean up (starting to regret being secretary). So i'm pretty much freed up for the rest of the year!

I'm starting to get some old resolutions kicked up and fired, the biggest one being trying to lose some flabs.

In fact tomorrow i'm starting on the exercise and diet schedule I planned for the week.

Hopefully I can do well enough to see the difference myself by start of December, which means I've about 2 plus months to try to stick to my plans - once I've nailed these few months, it should be easy to keep up with it cos it would be a habit by then.

You're probably thinking i'm being like most girls wanting to be ultra skinny and look good. Ultra skinny, no, cos that's just impossible given my everlasting love for good food (especially my mom's cooking which seems impossible to escape) , my laziness and my adoration for sleep. I would be lying if I said i'm doing all this only just to be fit cos I have an element of vanity behind all these plans. My biggest motivation is to be able to look fitting in nice clothes :)

 

I think the prettiest and most beautiful woman I've seen immortalised in a picture is Audrey Hepburn. She doesn't look smoking hot, or cute or any one thing, but she just has a lovely face that is like a piece of natural art. I like to think of a face as a canvas with details, my favourite detail being the eyes.

 

 I've always been drawn to nice eyes, and they don't always have to be huge eyes cos single lids have their special charm (though i'm mostly always captivated by big magnetic eyes). I don't think my eyes are the best-looking but i think they are special. I've got internal double lids which mostly makes me look like i'm single lid. I get my left double eyelid when I'm sick or feeling really tired, so I usually balance it up by using eyelid glue on my right eye. But most of the time I just put lid glue on both eyes to get the double eyelids that all my four family members obviously have that I don't.

 

 

 



 

I've recently been watching Glee from season 1 and I LOVE IT. It's such a colourful show, and I love colourful shows, like Pushing Daisies! The singers are just so good I feel so inspired. Since sec 4 I've been recording myself singing on my iPhone after i decided to adapt one of my band instructor's advice to record your own performances to check on your progress into my singing. Honestly I don't think I sing well, especially high notes, but i'm gonna try to upload one or two recordings that are safe on the ears after I've become more confident.

 

Another inspiration for singing is this not so recent cover by Jayesslee called Officially Missing You and it's been stuck in my head since I heard it a few times. I've been missing someone for quite some time now so i'm feeling like this is my song of the moment haha.

 

Speaking bout singing, 6 of us Chinese girls went to Katong Shopping Centre to karaoke at Teoheng Karaoke! It was great fun cos we just went all crazy and started screaming to songs like So What by P!nk. There was this funny moment where the song Yellow by Coldplay came up and the karaoke video was just a video of Chinese tourists at some Chinese temple and we were wondering why on earth has the song got to do with all that... until the lyrics "your skin...oh yeah your skin and bones..." came and we're all like OHHHHH omg that's racist! Yellow is supposed to be such a nice romantic song worth serenading to haha.

 

Besides losing weight and training my vocals, i'm also gonna be helping my secondary school military band train for their SYF next year. They have such a nice piece to play to, one of the theatrical pieces arranged for the military band. But Willie and I are mainly gonna train the members on marching techniques while the other few alumni who were ex-sectional leaders mostly are most probably gonna help with music. I do hope we win Certificate of Distinction next year, cos it's pretty sad that my batch has never gotten a Gold or higher for our three consecutive years of SYF.and I still attribute that to the constant change of instructors which led to the members feeling really disorganised and torn in loyalty.

 

Anyway, here's to a successful journey to the end of the year! Another lovely picture: