あの階段

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あの階段の上に、答えが見つけられるかな。

I wonder if I can find the answer at the top of those stairs.

No Sense, No Connection

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These days whenever an utterance escapes my lips and becomes lost forever, I feel as though I'm a shade behind everything else. It's the queerest feeling, to feel as if there's a glass wall that reduces my voice to mere muffled sounds even though the person I'm talking to is peering right at me through the barrier. Whatever I say doesn't seem to be of consequence at all - words take off like distant planes and fade into nothingness like vapour. 

The more I realise this, the more I just don't feel like struggling. I end up feeling relieved when all I need to do is to listen to what others have to say and reacting to them. Yet I feel as though I've been stripped of some sort of ability, which makes me feel a little helpless and removed from the flow of events with time. I'm just a spectator, silently watching from the distance. 

My words no longer carry meaning and convey my feelings. I make no sense, and I'm unable to connect with others. I feel like two entities in one - a ventriloquist and his dummy. I am superficial, insincere, and dead. 

Even though I've somehow lost a subtle part of my ability to communicate like how I used to be able to, I try to cover it up on the surface. Smile harder, maybe laugh a bit more. Insert more reactive phrases that essentially mean nothing beyond sounds of acknowledgement. Silence? Ask questions, anything - just make sure they keep talking, and that they never stop. It feels like I'm running and running, like a hamster in its wheel.

I'm sure people can sense how I'm not connecting properly with them. The impressions you derive from conversations are sensitive and ever-changing subtly like feeling the temperature in a room. Yet because socialisation is essentially a process of negotiation where parties test the waters and tread carefully in different ways through a minefield of etiquette and sensitivity, they still continue to try and talk to me, probably thinking that they were the ones who took the wrong turn.

I wonder if this phase is temporary. 

Contradictions

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I don't think my post has got anything directly to do with today's cover picture, but I really love this picture for a couple of reasons: 

First off, it's from one of my favourite animated films of all time - Spirited Away or 千と千尋の神隠し Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi - which would always have a place in my heart. Secondly, the senses of this picture somewhat resonates with the messy mix of emotions within me. There's an almost monotonous calmness with all the stagnancy and lack of life, save for Chihiro and the exhaust spewing from the chimney. Yet there's also an underlying sense of anxiety and fear about what lies ahead when facing the almost menacing and towering building.

Life - school life to be specific since it dominates the majority of my time now -  at the present feels like this to me. I suck in and hold my breath silently as I am aware of the looming deadlines and heavy workload weighing down on my spirit. I try to keep myself light-hearted and calm in the midst of all the anxiety and worries that effervesce from deep inside me. And even so, I still have to struggle from possibly wandering off too far beyond reality in order to stave the unbearable feeling of restlessness. Maybe Spirited Away does relate to this post after all, since Chihiro struggles between losing herself to the spirit world and remembering the reality she belongs to in the film.

I have a lot of support from family and (more) friends now in my life, to the point that it actually makes me feel guilty when pessimistic thoughts cloud my mind. I feel as if I don't have time or the right to be depressed when I'm very blessed in actual fact. 

While I've always been aware that I shouldn't be moping, it's the first time that I've actually felt the emotion of guilt in me. When I identified its presence in my consciousness, I was afraid. Yet I don't want to ignore it. I don't want to pass it over with forced optimism, to alter my mindset to think that the cup's half full. Of course it's the same reality regardless of the perspective I take, but these emotions are real. 

The solution to such negativity would probably be to let it all out; to not bottle it within me. However due to this guilt I feel, I become ashamed to share it with another person. I feel as if the person would reject these raw but very much existent feelings within me that IS part of who I am. This kinda reminds me of the 16 Personalities analysis for my type.

I'm not one to swear by stuff like personality analyses or horoscope readings since they may end up prescriptive rather than descriptive in its effect, but I do relate to some of it. My latest personality result is INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging), with the key word Advocate. Basically the Advocate describes one who tends to present his/herself as a culmination or patchwork of ideas and beliefs they agree with and wish to exemplify, instead of who they really are. I'd probably relate this to the times I feel as if I'm consciously putting on a show. But then again, who am I beyond such ideas and beliefs?

At this point in time there's anxiety that stems not only from work, but also from the social aspect of my life. I'm made to confront ideas of socialisation again, to consider the pros and cons of isolating myself and stuff like that. When it gets exhausting, I get exasperated and wish to return to a lifestyle that's predictable and safe. Yet it's not as if I don't enjoy the changes in my life at all.

It's infuriating when there are so many contradictions.

KUIFA + 夏祭り

Long post ahead so brace yourselves! Haha I haven't had time to properly sit down and consolidate my thoughts and memories in a post recently (and time to catch up on my animes and dramas too orz) BUT I will do it anyway :) And because two major events just passed (KUIFA and 夏祭り), I've to put them all in one post :'(

KUIFA

At Botanic Gardens

The past week was rather busy but really, really fun :) As I mentioned in the previous post, I volunteered to host a girl from Kyushu University for the week that their group of five stayed in Singapore. I was nervous and all jittery as I waited at the arrival hall in Changi with the other JSS peeps - probably because I was already worrying about how I'd look after my buddy for the next 6 days. But all that anxiety was unnecessary because Mayuko, my buddy, and the other KUIFA members were all really friendly.

From my LINE chat, I expected Mayuko to speak English more since she did type in English in our conversations before we met. However I found myself using Japanese all the time, which was a little nerve-wrecking at first since I wouldn't know when I'd say something weird. I became a lot more confident in speaking when my friends and Mayuko assured me my Japanese was rather decent - and Mayuko would happily teach me some vocabulary whenever I asked her what something was called in Japanese. The funny thing was that during the course of their stay, I was speaking Japanese so much that whenever I talked to my parents some Japanese would inevitably slip out LOL. I don't know if that counts as "occupational" hazard.

There were 3 guys and 2 girls in total - from the left: Masaki, Ritsuki, Danny, Mayuko and Ayaka.

Masaki's a really lively and enthusiatic person, and he was always encouraging us to speak to him in English just so he could learn more new words. He was also really knowledgeable about Singapore history and economy, and played Shougi (kinda reminds me of Shikamaru albeit less of the lazy mendokusai thing going on).

Ritsuki is slightly shyer but he was really nice and smiled a lot. I'd always ask him if he's tired because he spends idle times dozing off really easily LOL.

Danny is the American chap who's really outspoken and always making things lively for everyone. He's doing his Masters in Kyushu University so he's older than probably all of us. He's always getting into little messes here and there because the first day he arrived in Singapore he misplaced a bag in the airport. He also "lost" his camera at the Night Safari which got us (and the NS staff) in a frenzy until he realised it was in his bag all along HAHA.

Mayuko my buddy is such a darling and I'll never forget the memories we have together. We had a lot to talk about - from Japanese artistes we like and the current dramas (she watches both dramas I blogged about the post before!!!) to our families etc. We took selfies everyday too and had our own special hi-five :3

Ayaka is quite quiet as well but she's really sweet. I didn't get to talk much to her besides occasionally enquiring if all's okay and whether she'd like to try something. However according to Eileen, she's in a relationship and is doing her best in it :)

At Chinatown forming the word 'CHINA'!

Dozing off on the train

Throughout the course of their stay, we did A LOT of walking. I felt pretty bad for them because they were visibly tired and they kept stretching their legs to ease the strain on them. However thanks to all the walking I think I did lose about a kilogram HAHAHA.

Dinner with the family

There was a night designated on the fourth day for us local buddies to take them to dinner with our families. While the other buddies ate out with them, I wanted Mayuko to try home-cooked food (by my awesome Mom). Stacey came home to join us as well that night to meet Mayuko! When Mayuko and I entered the front door, Stacey immediately leapt up from the sofa and said "Hajimemashite" in the funniest, stiffest, most robotic way I've ever heard in my life - and all of us couldn't stop laughing at my bewildered sister who genuinely thought she pronounced it right!

Mom very lovingly made fried hokkien noodles and grilled chicken wings, which Mayuko thoroughly enjoyed (she later told me it was the best dish she ate throughout her whole stay here). In another funny moment my mom was trying to encourage Mayuko to eat more prawns but she said "hebi" (which actually IS prawn in Hokkien) with the intention of saying "ebi". The thing is, "hebi" is actually snake in Japanese :')

Walking the streets of Little India

Trying the King of Fruits

We let the Japanese buddies try our most revered fruit - the durian! Danny already tried it before during his travels, but the rest haven't. The verdict was that it tasted really weird to them so in the end KaiFu, Brandon and Eileen finished it all up with pleasure.

Farewell at the airport

Last picture before seeing off Mayuko

I'm sorry I didn't write everything out except the memorable moments (all of them are)! As we sent them off, I was really sad because in that one week I had already gotten so used to seeing them everyday, living with Mayuko etc. Hopefully if I go over next summer I'll get to meet all of them again!

夏祭り

Yukata girls!

I'm not in the picture here (probably goofing off somewhere) but this picture taken by Renyue makes for a good and fitting cover picture.

This year's my second 夏祭り Natsu Matsuri, which means Summer Festival. Since I came late last year and didn't get to experience much of the festival besides some food and the bon odori dance, I was pretty determined to get the full experience this time round. I went to the festival with a JSS senpai Wen Kai, and we queued for about an hour just to be able to rent yukatas and get dressed in them!

Wen Kai probably wasn't the most prepared for yukata-wearing, because he wore jeans and covered shoes - so the end result was that all was well until you looked down and saw his jeans peeping from under the hem of his yukata - especially since he measures nearly 1.9 metres :') But the experience is really worth it when you join everyone else to dress for the festival and it adds to the whole festive mood. It was chaotic in the changing room - after I was passed my yukata, a lady directed me to another lady who helped dress me in the midst of other girls and assistants dressing up. 

Since they had to secure the yukata firmly, they pretty much squeezed the air out of me as they tied my obi. I felt like I couldn't really eat a lot because of that LOL. I kindly gave up my remaining half of the ramen that I bought to Huan Ran who was unsatisfied with some overpriced onigiri he ate earlier on. It was really hot and I was wearing two layers since I wore the yukata over my clothes. It was especially difficult to walk too since the skirt of the yukata restricts the distance you can stretch your legs out - staircases were my enemies for that night. But oh, the sacrifices we make just to look graceful in a yukata :')

I had a great time taking lots of photos with the other JSS peeps who were there. We all went down to the field to dance to the bon odori and it was a blast! At that point of time when we all gathered for a group photo (which no one has uploaded yet at this point T_T) I felt really grateful for the people I met in JSS. I thought I'd just continue being isolated and closed off in university, but because of them I'm making so many new memories to keep. So thank you :) 

Aaaand here's a flood of selfies for you to get tired of looking at my face :D The quality of the photos seem to diminish later and that's probably because I ran out of strength to hold up my phone properly after bon odori.

With Weiling, Renyue, Kah Hui and Melvyn + his empty bowl of noodles

With Wenkai (not featuring the out of place jeans and shoes haha)

With Renyue who always has such great sense and style!

With Weiling who's always saving my life in various matters <3

With Kah Hui, the senpai I respect the most! And she's the new president of JSS too!!

With Andy who was helping out at the yukata dressing for men - we were at natsumatsuri together a year ago!

With Teresa who's always a ball of energy when combined with Zehui!

With Cindy who always fusses over me and gives me a lot of love! <3

With Shirlyn who's also always lively and makes me laugh all the time!

With Zehui, the other half of the explosive combi with Teresa! And also a fellow Hey! Say! JUMP fan girl <3

With the cute Fangyi whom I've known since we were in the same OG in last year's camp!

With the pretty and really feminine Pamela with her ethereal style <3

With the totally adorable Vivian who's always great fun to be around!

3/7 of our OG from last year's camp - myself, Fangyi and Huanran!

It was pretty tiring and my yukata was kinda falling apart after jumping so much at the bon odori :') But nevertheless it was awesome and I enjoyed myself so much. I'm already looking forward to the next 夏祭り next year :D

Here ends my long post which I tried to summarize >< I doubt I'd have a lot of time to post now that school is already charging full steam ahead. But the memories and fun I had would be sufficient for me to keep spirited when the times get tough!

Summer Dramas

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I wonder if there's a house in real life that looks like the lovely one in the picture above... It's so pretty and homely :) Anyway have you noticed that my blog looks different now? I just felt like having a change somehow, and used my blog as a medium to do so! I like designs incorporating the colours and patterns of nature, hence the wood background and natural colour scheme.

It's one week to the start of a new academic year at NUS again, and I'm not ready. But who truly is, in most situations? We usually just brace ourselves for the start of something and deal with it when we're there, like most other things. There are things that I'm looking forward to though, like meeting old friends and course mates again, and hosting exchange students from Kyushu University!

I signed up for a homestay programme (KUIFA) with the JSS, and will be having a student stay over at my home for close to a week, during week 2 of the semester! I'm kinda nervous, because I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to communicate with her well with my limited command of Japanese. However, I'm sure we'd have a blast anyhow. Her name's Inada Mayuko, and she's a first year Pharmacy student. Since we have a vacant room after Stacey got married and moved out, I figured my family and I could try our hand at hosting a guest at our house :)

Recently I've been into a couple of ongoing summer dramas, namely 好きな人がいること Suki Na Hito Ga Iru Koto (A Girl and Three Sweethearts) and 時をかける少女 Toki Wo Kakeru Shoujo (The Girl Who Leapt Through Time), in addition to the summer animes I'm following such as Orange オレンジ. I'm beginning to like summer a lot more now - it's a season full of vibrancy, rejuvenation and youth - a wonderful respite for my withering soul (pfft haha). And these dramas capture the senses and nuances of summer so well that I'm drawn to them. They're still ongoing, with the former at 4 episodes and the latter at 3. Yet even so, I feel like I must write about how exciting they are!

Suki Na Hito Iru Koto, at a general glance, seems like a drama adaptation from an otome game (dating sim game for cliched romance-deprived females like me) with three potential love interests to one main character. To be honest, that got me excited and interested in checking out the drama because who doesn't like an otome plot! Only me? Okay :( 

Mirei Kiritani, who has become a lot more popular lately, plays Sakurai Misaki, a patisserie who meets an old crush from high school by chance and agrees to live with him and work at his seaside restaurant. Little did she know that she'd also be living with her crush's two younger brothers in the same house. Which of the three Shibasaki brothers would Misaki experience her summer love with? (From anti-clockwise) Chiaki, the kind and gentlemanly high school crush? Kanata, the blunt but talented young cook? Or Touma, the adorable but flirty youngest brother? 

While Mirei Kiritani is a great actress with various notable roles in other dramas and movies, I didn't really like her character in this drama. The exciting part is really (and I shamelessly confess) the interactions between her character and the three ikemen (handsome) brothers. I mean you have Miura Shohei, who was named Japan's Ideal Boyfriend, playing Chiaki! The beautiful and scenic seaside setting of the drama in Shonan is a bonus as well, since I'm a sucker for picturesque locations.

Now this is a drama that I would highly recommend. Toki Wo Kakeru Shoujo is actually a 2016 drama adaptation of a well-known novel of the same title, which has been famously adapted into animated films, live action movies etc. As the title suggests, it's part sci-fi with ideas of time travel forming the foundation of the show. 

Yoshiyama Mihane is a lively, tomboyish girl played by Kuroshima Yuina (she's only 19 and she acts so well!?), who gains the ability to leap through time to various moments whenever she wills herself to. This happened after she fainted in the school's science lab upon coming across some chemical that smells like lavender. The chemical is actually a time-leaping inducing drug that Fukamachi Shohei, a guy from the future, attempted to make after he lost his original vial of drug which allows him to get home to the 22nd century. Shohei decides to attend school with Mihane and her childhood friend Asakura Goro while he makes the drug again, brainwashing them with future technology into believing he's also their childhood friend. The drama follows Mihane's various decisions to time leap and her struggles in doing so, along with a heart-wrenching love triangle with Shohei and Goro.

You can't help but love Mihane's adorable and lively character through this drama! This drama would cause you to experience so many emotions - satisfaction from witnessing the friendship among the three, worry as you watch Mihane make her decisions and disappointment when she doesn't reciprocate Goro's feelings for her! >< 

The theme song for the drama is also my current earcandy - 恋をしらない君へ Koi wo Shiranai Kimi e (trans.: To you, who doesn't know love) sung by a Johnny's idol group, NEWS. I won't put up the whole song - just the ending bit where you can see the characters, with Mihane and Goro (<3) running to class and Shohei in class waiting for Mihane. Oh the feels!

Do check out the dramas if you're interested :P

I've begun to start running again (don't ask me why I didn't start earlier during the summer break ><) after I bought new running shoes!

I don't actually like pink (and this isn't really pink, it's kinda like the same shade of purple as Barney the dinosaur), but somehow I really liked this pair when I saw them! PLUS THEY WERE ON SALE AT 60% OFF so of course the inner bargain auntie in me gave her approval. I told Iggy that I started running, and he said he'd bet one week - one week before I utterly fail and give up altogether. How encouraging! :/ Of course, when people say stuff like that it just spurs you to want to prove them wrong - which is actually awesome. But while I might be able to pull it off for more than a week, two weeks is a different matter altogether huh (facepalm).

orange オレンジ

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I just discovered this title yesterday night, and I just had to write a post on it...どうしても!

The manga, written and illustrated by Takano Ichigo, consists of just 5 volumes - and that is enough to take your heart on a roller coaster ride of emotions. Orange was serialized from 2012 to 2015, followed by a live action adaptation in December 2015 starring the popular actor Yamazaki Kento, and finally an anime adaption that aired its first episode on July 4th (my birthday y'all!!) this year.

I chanced upon it as I was looking at the list of ongoing anime series on the site I usually watch my anime and was hooked from the first episode. The detailed, realistic art of the anime adaptation depicting the mountain city of Matsumoto is reminiscent of the style of Makoto Shinkai (of the 5 Centimeters Per Second fame).

Matsumoto really exists, in case you're wondering - it's situated in Nagano Prefecture on the main Honshu Island of Japan. And nope, it's not the first time the setting of an anime is based on an actual site. In fact, the fame of such anime titles help to boost tourism in these places that inspired these anime, contributing to the growing popularity of pop-culture tourism. I myself have a bucket list of places in Japan I want to visit because of the animes that were inspired by them - Yuwaku Hot Spring in Kanazawa, Ishikawa (from Hanasaku Iroha), Hitoyoshi City in Kumamoto Prefecture (from Natsume Yuujinchou) - just to name a couple. And もちろん, Matsumoto is a new addition to this bucket list!

Back to Orange - (possible spoilers ahead!)

The storyline of Orange is played out in two timelines that alternate at certain points - one of the "past", and one of the "future".

The "future" follows five friends - Naho, Suwa, Takako, Azusa and Hagita - who meet together 10 years after they graduated from high school. The reason for their gathering - to pay respects to their friend Naruse Kakeru, who passed away 10 years ago. As they dig up a time capsule the six of them buried 10 years ago and visit Kakeru's grandmother, they find out that Kakeru's death was not caused by an accident, but by committing suicide.

In the "past", 16 year-old Takamiya Naho finds a letter addressed to her by her own self from 10 years in the future. She initially thinks that the letter is a prank, but comes to realise that the contents of the letter is true when the letter predicts events like Kakeru's transfer to her school and other happenings. As she reads on further, she finds requests from her future self - to not make the same decisions she would regret, and to save Kakeru.

What really struck a chord in me was the internal conflicts faced by the main character Naho. She is given foresight into what would happen and the regrets she would have as a result of the decisions she makes by her future self, yet she still struggles with her decisions at the moment. In one scene, she gets frustrated and thinks about how easy it would be for her future self to tell her what to do, since "she" isn't the one who has to go through the difficulty. I think about the many things I'd write to my past self - the things I'd implore me to do and not regret - and wonder if I would actually have the resolve to right the wrongs of the past at those moments in time.

Currently there's only four episodes out in the still-ongoing series, but I couldn't wait and finished up the manga in a few hours (thankfully and sadly it's only five volumes). The plot progression is really satisfying, and not filled with plot cliches. Even though I know the whole story and how it ends now, I'm still anticipating the next episode, and the next... and the next...

Anyway, here's the PV of the anime adaptation! It has no captions so I took some time to translate Naho's voiceover to the best of my limited Japanese language abilities :')

In the present, 10 years into the future, Kakeru is not here with us.

I'm writing this letter, so that the 16 year-old me won't regret the things I am regretting.

If only at that place, at that time, at that moment...

If only I had noticed the most precious thing...

The me living 10 years in the past,

From here on there is a lot of happiness and bliss waiting in store for you.

I ask of you, please notice that happiness...

I hope you will not get rid of that happiness.

Aaaand the live action PV which almost made me tear again even though I've already watched the movie :')

Unsent Letters

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These letters that were never sent - 
With words that did not reach you,
Full of feelings not conveyed
Even up to the day they were due.

I read my own thoughts again and again
But they were meant for you
And somewhere in me still hopes
That one day, you would read them too.

On each one, your name is written
Seeing them gives a weird feeling
As if I had something to return you
Something you probably don't remember giving.

I could send these letters to their demise
But that's something I can't bear to do
For even if my feelings have changed
I'm still in love with that memory of you.

Okay, first off let me just say I'm not gifted in poetry and reading my own work sometimes makes me cringe, which is why I prefer prose over poetry. Yet there are moments when the lines of a poem best capture the poignant senses felt by its creator and are better appreciated during times when you just don't want to look at a barrage of words.

I was cleaning up my room this afternoon when I decided to take a look at the letters I've amassed over the past few years from family and friends. Just like diary entries or photographs, letters achieve the similar effect of transporting me back in time to relieve certain memories I have of the people I knew. However, letters are special in that they contain the thoughts of their writer towards the recipient, who in this case is yours truly.

I was enjoying myself reading some letters again (there was one by my Angel - from the Angels and Mortals game in VJGE - which was twice the word count of a GP essay!) when I picked up four folded letters in different colours with his name on them. These are special letters - letters that I wrote about 3 years ago on separate occasions and didn't give to their intended recipient. So these letters stuck out from the rest because they were the only ones not meant for me.

If you've been reading my blog entries or have known me well in JC, you would know that I had a major crush on a senior of mine in the same CCA, which was Guitar Ensemble. I didn't know him well enough to say I was in love, but I was very interested in getting to know him better. There was something about him that intrigued me - maybe it was how he'd have this quiet and aloof air around him despite being surrounded by friends, as if he was living in a snow globe. Interest probably became a sort of obsession to know as much about him as possible since I didn't have many chances to interact with him. But I wanted to be his friend.

I wrote letters for different occasions -  the school's farewell ceremony, VJGE farewell party, a well wish for the A Levels and one that was really for my own sake of writing to him. I remember I kept my letter ready in my skirt pocket for the chance that I might give it to him, but the letter would always return home with me. Heck, I didn't even have guts enough to look at him and smile or say hello whenever we passed in the corridors even though he would have recognised me! Dawn would call me out on my utterly stupid behaviour whenever I passed by him by, pretending to not have seen him. For some reason, I got so nervous seeing him around in school that I couldn't really look at him straight on, and yet I'd always note and look forward to the regular times I'd "bump" into his class between lessons at certain venues.

Did he ever know about my feelings? Probably, but not in the way I would have wanted him to. You see, I'm not very good at concealing my feelings when I'm interested in something or someone, and probably the seniors caught on that I liked him. So I noticed that they would nudge him whenever they saw me, or stuff like that. Yet, he was still really nice because he'd still smile at me whenever I didn't look away or converse with me normally during the few lucky occasions I got to talk to him.

After all this time, my feelings are pretty much changed I guess since life has taken over. But it would be a lie to say I have not thought of him in those years. He's still someone special to me, but that's probably because of the memories I have of him. I wasn't sure I was going to experience such strong feelings of interest after my first relationship failed, and yet he enabled me to do so. For all I know, he's changed and become someone I no longer recognise, but I will still remember the same person I wanted to send these letters to.