Hitting the lows after the peak

Sometimes I wish I could scratch out my existence - like how I would with an unwanted itch, or a misspelt word on a piece of rough paper. If it doesn't go away, maybe I'd try even harder to make it disappear, to make me disappear.

What if there was a way to erase the encounters I had with all whom I've met? To be invisible in this world, with throngs of people bustling past me without as much as a glance my way. Would the pains of socialisation like rejection, disappointment, envy etc. all go with them as well? Would I finally be liberated from the sufferings of human contact? I would probably never know, because I'm already bound with no way to disappear completely.

I'm starting to descend further into a personal hell. I am tired, feeling ugly and worst of all, feeling absolutely lost. And yet I carefully paint on a facade of contentment and self-assurance to keep out anyone who might attempt to know me better. I make the decision for them - No, you don't want to know who I am. I look on as they admire the mask I've fashioned for myself, all while screaming That's not who I am inside like an obnoxious adolescent girl I would detest.

Most of my life I'd been heavily guarding myself. I watch as people run and stumble in various obstacle courses of life, and tell myself Look at them. That's not where you want to be. That's not who you want to become. We are going to avoid it completely. An apt example would be the topic of marriage.

Of course, I'm at least 7 years too young to talk about getting hitched and starting a new family. But I do think about what my future entails. I've watched how my parents are great at parenting, but terrible at marriage. They probably don't think much of it, but I do get affected heavily every time they quarrel. I see myself possibly undergoing a similar marriage of poor communication, disagreement and sadness, and stagger and back away from such a future. That's not where I want to be. That's not who I want to become. I repeat to myself over and over again. Then, let's take measures to avoid it completely. Which would partly explain my aversion to ideas of being in a relationship. Once you get on the path of a relationship, the road diverges into marriage or break-up - and either option is undesirable to me now.

And when things get tougher and socialisation stings even more, all I want is to conceal myself in solitude and forget the world. It's easier if there's no one to pull you back to reality. Yet because of the people who know me, I am bound and can never truly escape.

Koisuru Fortune Cookie

http://www.zerochan.net/1733203

I'd really like to be able to hop onto a plane and fly away to the places of my dreams.

Not that I'm longing to run away from the harshness of life and reality, but because I have a sort of ache inside my soul that longs for an adventure. One of the things I want to do in this life on Earth is to see the magnificent milky way. I want to be surrounded by a dark blanket of countless twinkling stars. The thing about beautiful things (hah) is that we always long to admire them, but it always hurts somehow when you can't do anything else except to gaze at them. You can't own them, you can't keep any of it, except for a fleeting memory. I guess it's like falling in love in a sense - just that there's still a way to be close to whoever you're admiring since they are interactive beings who can respond to your feelings.

This past week aside from celebrating my birthday, I had Dawn over to hang out. I cooked us some pasta for lunch while Dawn sat in the kitchen and talked to me (I was quite impressed with how I could multi-task cutting up, boiling and cooking stuff and holding a conversation all at once - great job, me :D) 

We watched the first episode of a new anime called Hatsukoi Monster, which is about 5th graders who look like ikemen (handsome) high school boys - we couldn't stop laughing at how absurd it was. Do check it out if you're interested LOL.

Then since Dawn has recently come to be interested in make-up (far cry from her prior "I DON'T NEED MAKE-UP TO LOOK PRETTY or something stance to makeup) but didn't quite know how it works, I decided to put makeup on her since I've been using some basic makeup for about two years now. I put makeup on her before when we were going to attend a VJ choir concert, and at that time I was amateurish so I didn't do a really good job with it. This time I think I did way better. The only problem was that the products I used are what I usually use for my own face - which is a little too light for Dawn's skin tone. I ended up turning her into a cross between a K-Pop idol and a ghost HAHA

I also completed the Totoro jigsaw puzzle my parents got for me! After dinner on Tuesday I decided to start on it, and Mom and Dad sat down together to help fix it too. I expected to complete the puzzle over a course of a few days, but the process was so riveting that we couldn't quite stop till we fitted in the last piece 2.5 - 3 hours later. We framed it and now its up on my wall! (let's play Spot the Totoros in the picture LOL)

Anyway it's less than a month till school reopens again (THIS SUMMER BREAK ISN'T ENOUGH orzzz). It's back to worrying about what modules to take, how to cope with school, work and other commitments (which aren't many actually). Can't I just live a leisurely life enjoying a piece of watermelon T_T 

I'll end of with my favourite cover of AKB48's 恋するフォーチュンクッキー Koisuru Fortune Cookie. Two things I like about this cover - 1. the energetic and cheerful upbeat vocals, guitar and percussion really makes for an enlivening song 2. the guy in the middle, Johnny Saito, looks so much like the senpai I hid behind walls to admire from my JC days! Pffft of course that's all in the past now and I don't crush on my senior anymore - it's just that it's somehow pretty cool how you can find someone that looks so much like another person.

20

http://justinjapan.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/tokyo-asakusa-coming-of-age-day-seijin-no-hi-temple-festival-japan-portraits-travel-photography-_03.jpg

はたち 

はたち はたち はたち

あたし

あたし はたち ふりそでーしょん

はたち 

はたち はたちだけなの?

そうでしょ 

あたし はたち はたちの

ふりそでーしょん

Twenty

Twenty, twenty, twenty

I am

I am twenty, Furisodation

Twenty

Twenty, only twenty?

That's right 

I am twenty, twenty

Furisodation

- Furisodation by Kyary Pamyu Pamyu

Yup, yours truly finally hit the big 20! Not as if I'm looking forward to fast becoming an adult though haha. As usual, I like to take the opportunity to share a little about Japan if what I'm writing on relates there as well. And yes, 20, or はたち hatachi (instead of にじゅっさい nijyussai - literally 20 years old) is considered to be when the Japanese people come of age.

Every year in January, 成人の日 Seijin no Hi, or Coming of Age Day is celebrated. Ceremonies are held all over Japan - regardless whether you've passed your birthday or not, everyone in the same academic year turning 20 will participate. It's a pretty big affair there, with festivals, parties, speeches and the like. The girls don pretty furisode like in the picture too. I feel a little envious that everyone gets to celebrate their coming of age together in Japan - it makes turning 20 something really eventful such that the whole country actually makes a day out of it. Whereas in Singapore, coming of age is mostly set at 21, and the hype only extends within your family and friends - not that it's a bad thing - it's just that it seems less significant.

This year I feel really happy on my birthday, because of the people I care for around me. Turning 20, or basically just another year older, isn't a big deal in itself at all. In fact, the excitement I feel when I'm fast approaching the 4th of July dips exponentially with every year that passes, since I was probably 13. The most significant thing about birthdays is probably having your existence acknowledged and appreciated by the important people in your life. I don't need fancy celebrations, expensive presents and meals, or anything of that sort. Just being able to be reminded and to feel that I am someone who is loved and wanted by others is really what makes my birthday a significant day for me.

But of course, I do love love love love the presents and surprises and meals that I'm treated to on my birthday (who doesn't!) I mentioned that I don't need lavish gifts, but I do really love gifts that were picked by the people who know me and my interests. Mom and Dad got me a Totoro jigsaw puzzle and a beautiful green Totoro frame that comes with it (and I will work on it soon!) because they know I'm crazy for Totoro. Heck, most of my friends would know, judging from the number of Totoro items I have (a soft toy, keychains, drawstring bag, hand-held fan, a terrarium which Iggy got me last Christmas and which I later broke accidentally etc etc.) My pal Iggy, who knows just how much I go crazy for Naruto, got me limited edition Naruto and Sasuke POP Animation figures (THEY ARE THE CUTEST). I love these stuff, but I never get them for myself because sometimes I can't bear to part with the money so readily, hence I would definitely be happy if they bother getting it for me :)

On Sunday, my family and I decided to eat lunch at my previous workplace Cacio e Pepe to celebrate both Stacey and my birthdays together. I kinda miss the restaurant - I worked there as a waitress and kitchenhand when I was 16, fresh out of O Levels. 4 years have already passed so quickly indeed. The kitchen staff had already changed, but Jack and Bee my bosses (two strong and admirable women) are still there. The food is great, but I still prefer the old taste back in the days when I worked with the head chef then - Jasline (my shifu!).

Absolutely, absolutely love it when food looks appetising in a cafe-like setting. This is the place where my love for food and cooking was born :) Jack was really nice to present me a birthday lava cake on the house :3 I used to be pretty scared of Jack's strong and assertive personality as a naive 16 year-old kiddo, but she's one of the few strong women I respect and wish to be like.

Today I went to school early for Navigators, and was surprised with a carrot cake and a birthday song by the other Navigators! Chan Hye, my Nav mentor, is someone who just came into my life last year and helped and guided me in my walk in Christian faith. I'm not the easiest person to work with due to my fear of intimate connections and dependence on others, even though I may seem really friendly and open outwardly. But Chanhye very patiently and consistently prayed for me, and for that I'm really thankful.

Afterwards I met Mom and we had lunch together at Miam Miam in Westgate and basically just enjoyed some mother-daughter time. The person that ought to be appreciated most on this day is my mom, for having endured a difficult labour and raising me into the person I am today. My mom is like a best friend to me, and I can confide everything to her (even about matters like love or simply how Yamada Ryosuke is so cute LOL).

I am twenty. Twenty years behind me, and probably more to come henceforth. *tries hard to think of something impressively profound* YES. I AM TWENTY. Haha I'll sign off with a picture of me (taken by okaasan whose photography skills probably isn't as good as mine LOL) Look at all those キラキラ lights haha

JSS FSC 2016: キラキラ青春 Kira Kira Seishun

Blazing sun, azure skies, glittering sea, the trickling of laughter, the scraping of slippers as we ran...

これは...私たちのキラキラ青春だね

trans. This is our glittering youth isn't it

I just returned from a 4D3N camp with the JSS peeps on Friday...AND IT WAS THE BEST. I haven't had time to properly sit down and write a post on this awesome camp because I had to tutor, catch up on the anime episodes I missed this week (priorities, priorities), and of course catch up on sleep. It's been a long while since I had so much fun, and I'm missing everyone already even though it won't be long till we meet again either at some post-camp outing or at school. This experience wouldn't have been possible without everyone there in the picture - the project directors, programme committee, OGLs, logistics, publicity, helpers and most importantly the freshmen themselves.

The pre-camp which was 2 weeks ago was great, but on Tuesday when we all met at 9am before the freshies arrived we were still a little nervous as to how we'd make a great experience with the freshies. I was half-expecting a bunch of really shy, passive people since that was the case for my own freshman camp last year. However, these cute kouhais (juniors) exceeded my expectations. Bjorn and I were to facilitate the first warm-up game of Double Whacko and to my surprise some of the freshies were already at the stage where they were teasing each other. 

They were really good sport and participated enthusiastically (and shamelessly) in another game I took with Jamie, which was 'Maid Cafe'. They had to dress up and act like maids, and try to charm their customers with the scripts we adapted from Kaichou wa Maid-sama. A bunch of us OGLs and helpers were just squealing and video-ing to our hearts' delight as the freshies channelled their inner moe-ness LOL >< 

The freshies this year had more guys than girls, so each of the 4 OGs only had 1 girl and about 2-3 guys. Yet I noticed that the guys didn't just go off on their own and exclude the girls in their groups. My favourite memory of that was when I saw how the boys in Rilakkuma who seemed more "rabak" were very nice and patient to Sarah, the girl in their team. They would make sure she wasn't lagging behind at times, and even guided her on how to handle a nerf gun at the shooting game. Truly, if it weren't for the freshies who were so inclusive, this camp wouldn't have been as successful. 

The project directors and committee members worked really hard too. Of all, I respect Kah Hui-senpai the most. She's always so calm and selfless even though she has so many things to take care of. When there weren't enough beds on the second night at the girls dorm, she gave up her bed and slept in a sleeping bed. I only realised this when I awoke the next morning to see her curled up in her sleeping bag. We were rushing out the souvenir booklets too, drawing decorations and sticking the OG photos in. As we were doing that, some girls were greatly affected by a huge roach they saw in the toilet during wash-up and Kah Hui very coolly got up and went to get rid of it in a jiffy. I was thinking to myself that we'd be nothing if Kah Hui wasn't with us in this camp :')

On the last night of the camp after the OG performances, the committee members, helpers (basically everyone other than the freshies) got together for photos, after which we kinda went crazy and began to form a circle to do some really funny but empowering cheer. It really helps that majority of us were pretty crazy and so it wasn't all to difficult to launch into some extreme festive mood. I love every single one of them :")

All in all, I don't regret ever signing up to help at this year's camp. Initially I was apprehensive because I felt that last year's camp didn't really end with hyped emotions and therefore I didn't participate much in JSS activities after. But with this camp, I'm pretty positive they'll see my face more often now LOL. I kinda became recognised as a very blur aunty character through this camp too somehow and now the others wouldn't let me hear the end of all the teasings T_T

This is indeed my キラキラ青春 :)

Summer

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/204696/ego-aeternam

I'm beginning to fall in love with summer, even here in Singapore! Of course, we don't have vast green meadows and flower fields like in Japan (no surprise there, I'm obsessed with the country). Yet at times when I look out the window, I lose myself gazing at the deep blue skies, and a sort of happy feeling bubbles from within me. I guess it's good for my worrywart personality as well - kinda like drawing the curtains open and letting in some light and fresh summer air into my soul. One day, I wish to stand in that scenery and experience summer with all of my senses.

One thing I love about the Land of the Rising Sun is how emotionally sensitive the people there are to the seasons. The different seasons each set a distinctive mood or atmosphere there through various mediums like food, fashion, music etc.

During summer in Japan, the seaside or the mountains are common holiday destinations to enjoy 夏休み natsu-yasumi (summer break). Thinking of food conjures images of fresh red watermelons after a game of スイカ割り suika-wari (watermelon splitting) and かき氷 kakigori (shaved ice dessert). The colours of summer - the clear blue of skies and waters, the lush green of trees, the bright red of watermelon slices and other primary colours - are all very pleasant and uplifting to one's mood. Towards the end of summer, 夏祭りnatsu-matsuri (summer festivals) are held where people can don yukatas and visit stalls that sell food like candy apples, chocolate bananas, yakisoba, etc. and play games like yo-yo tsuri. There might be firework displays as well, and bon odori dances.

That's the summer experience in Japan of course, from what I gather from anime and television dramas. Yet here in sunny Singapore, I find that summer can be equally, if not more, fun as well.

I'm looking forward to the Japanese Studies Society (JSS) Freshman Camp that'll be held next Tuesday to Friday! I'll be participating as a helper and game master for some activities. I've always been rather inactive in JSS after my own freshman camp, so I was a little apprehensive about being able to mix around with the rest during the pre-camp last week.

Funny story - I thought precamp was LITERALLY a camp so I packed all my camp stuff and brought along a sleeping bag to school only to find out that I was the only one who read the precamp details that way. It was absolutely mortifying to have to carry around my bright blue sleeping bag on the first day. However that incident probably worked to my advantage because everyone was laughing and teasing me (and now I'm officially known as Sleeping Bag IC), coming up with jokes about my sleeping bag even on the second day of precamp! I had a lot more fun than I expected, and made many new friends besides those I had already known from freshman camp last year. This is really encouraging, since I have little confidence in being able to make (much less sustain) new relationships to begin with.

I'll end off the post with a picture of a cute cat I found sleeping under my HDB block - here's to a memorable summer break this year :)

When I'm alone, they come

http://www.zerochan.net/1733200

When I'm alone, they come.

Quiet as the falling of dusk, unsettling like the coming of night.

Why do I think, why do I feel? Why can't I live in the bliss of ignorance to the destruction this world is coming to? People crouching in their individual cages of thorns, hurting one another and bleeding themselves out in the process. Feeding on empty pride, living off on insecurities. Starving themselves of understanding and forgiveness, gripping tightly onto their pasts and upbringing. As if they're the reasons for existence and self-worth.

With recent news from the shaming of a local disabled cleaner (and the perpetrator who is now also a victim of online shaming) to the deaths of a talented singer and over 50 lives at the gay bar Pulse in the US, I can't help but feel sorry. And what else can I do but that? It doesn't change anything - it doesn't change this world and its people. We are descending even further to our own destruction. It hurts even more to read the comments on such news - with the netizens launching into petty wars among themselves. As if the actual problem isn't already devastating enough.

Do pointless, never-ending and exhausting struggles of selfishness and bigotry give people so much satisfaction that they thrive on it? When they get caught up in a flurry of passion and hurl insensitive insults or blows at others, do they pat themselves on the back for having done something useful and beneficial to Man, and enjoy a good night's sleep after that? Truly? It's not impossible isn't it, seeing how twisted this world has become.

These people would go on and boast to their children how they condemned those who are different - the weak, the sick, the poor, the minorities - and teach them how "this is power, this is strength, this is what being great means". They raise a new generation of what I describe as "thorn cage inhabitants" who don't have any qualms of murdering those whom they find an eyesore - be it literally or in spirit. Destroy, destroy and destroy even more - this is how you protect yourself and how you win, because everyone loves a winner regardless of the blood on their hands, don't they.

Can I even dare to imagine bringing a new life to this world ever in future? To have to struggle between teaching my child to love and understand this beautiful but broken world, and equipping my child sufficiently to protect him/her from those who are out to crush and destroy? And to not have an answer to quell all the fears and pain he/she might go through when he/she asks me why the world is such a cruel place?

When I'm alone, they come.

Quiet as the falling of dusk, unsettling like the coming of night.

These thoughts that haunt me.

Constants

http://www.zerochan.net/1964032

This cover picture kinda matches my mood towards the summer break now. When it isn't pouring in Singapore, the sun blazes high in the azure crystal skies, accentuating the tops of multi-coloured HDB blocks in the distance and reflecting off the windscreens of passing cars and buses. And I think to myself: 

"夏だね (read: natsu da ne)"

which roughly translates to "This is summer, isn't it."

Even though it's the same time of the year where students take a break from school, summer break certainly feels slightly different from the "June Holidays" I'd been so accustomed to back in my uniformed school days. 

Today, I met up with my best friend Dawn and spent most of the day with her mostly just catching up - reminiscing about old classmates, talking about our lives, etc. It was rather fitting too, since we travelled the road of nostalgia to the East just to be able to dine at ThaiPan (a restaurant in a housing estate nearby our Junior College where we and many other VJ students past and present patronise for its buttered squid) and satisfy our craving for buttered squid. Sadly we reached the doorstep of ThaiPan only to find to our great horror that it was closed. :(

We took a bus to I12 Katong, another past favourite after-school haunt of ours to have a late lunch. As we hung out today, we just talked freely about anything and everything, and it made me realise how nice it is to have constants in life. Even though Dawn and I attend different universities and don't meet or chat very often now, it doesn't feel awkward at all when we do get together and talk. She's still the same old straightforward person who exasperates me with candid mannerisms and comments (such that I'd have to ask her to lower her voice when talking about socially sensitive issues in public), but also the same old trusty friend who gives her honest opinions and advice with an unspoken understanding about the sort of person I am, both good and bad parts. 

We're actually applying to work part-time at Uniqlo together for this summer break too, since we have more free time on hand without school. Hopefully we get the job!

As usual, we took selfies like the shameless lasses we are! But before you see how we look as 20 year olds in 2016 with our personal grooming shit finally together (or at least more so compared to our clueless and hopeless selves in the past), here's a throwback to year 2014, having completed one of our prelim papers and eating at Ramen Play at I12 Katong I think:

Laughing at the striking maroon VJ jackets we're wearing, our hair, and our attempt at pulling off decent smiles despite our exhaustion from A Level prep!

And behold, us in 2016:

HAHA Dawn if you're reading this I'm sure you're wondering why I blew up the picture so big - and honestly I don't know either.

I really do appreciate Dawn as a close friend, and a couple other close friends even though I don't show it that well. Considering I'm someone who has some difficulty in being truly at ease around others due to my fear of exposing all of my true self, which also stems from a sort of general distrust and a fear of rejection and being taken advantage of, I think having a friend that close is quite a feat in itself. My Navigators mentor, Chanhye, told me that this distrust that I have towards people is something she hopes would be healed in time, since it would become troublesome in the future when I do have to put my full trust and faith in others such as my husband (she specifically said husband, though I'm truly still uncertain whether I would ever get into a relationship, much less a marriage). 

People may fail and disappoint, but God is constant, isn't He? Much more than even myself in fact, since my feelings and emotions are prone to fluctuate and my resolve trembles at times. As written in Numbers 23:19, "God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?"