About People

Humans.

They are social beings who interact. Through contact we make reality, which sometimes may not even be real or make sense at all as hours of a good time spent are swallowed up in an instant and all that's left is a memory. When we look someone in the eyes, or tap them on the shoulder, or call them by a name, our sense of belonging - or even existence is justified.

Sometimes people embrace each other; sometimes they fight one another. Sometimes we love someone or some place so badly we wish for certain death to rid us of the unbearable longing inside; sometimes loneliness makes the same death inviting as a form of escape. Sometimes we want to be able to cry tears of joy and hear hearty laughter that permeates the night sky; sometimes we squint our eyes tightly shut and cover our ears in a futile attempt to rid ourselves of even sensing human contact.

I'm not someone who is good with human contact.

I could feign a bright smile and make myself laugh in social situations. I don't have to, but there's an automatic switch in me that tells me the social world is like a stage and I ought to play my part. I know I don't like deceiving others, but that voice in me assures me it's just going to be temporary - that these people are soon going to make an exit out of my life anyway so why not just keep up the act without having to feel guilty? Besides, I'm sure almost everyone out there wears a facade as well and I can't be the only one. In fact, if one is too honest, that person would most likely be exploited or shunned.

This is how I view human contact. This is the truth. There is no need to paint an unnecessary picture of pleasantry and earnestness.

Even though my cheeks may hurt, even though my smile vanishes almost instantly after someone says goodbye and walks away from my sight, I still continue. I'll still put on a show for as long as I still see the same people. After gradually moving from one level to the next, I start on a new sheet of paper - the people from before has become history. I've been so used to such a mindset that I get uncomfortable and increasingly defensive when people don't leave my life when they should.

It gets tiring to have to be pleasant all the time because most of the time people don't really care enough to want to listen to your problems on top of their own. Probably because I seldom willingly tell others about my problems that many of the people in my life before tended to pour out theirs to me. And when I find myself thinking "Ah, how troublesome." or "There she goes again." I realise that maybe this is what others would think if I did the same, which makes me more determined than ever to find other ways to vent my frustration or think of a rational way to solve the problem on my own without having to rely on others.

I felt that this way of thinking could make me emotionally stronger and independent, that when others are lamenting and beating themselves down during tribulations I would emerge unscathed, undying and victorious in my own way. Yet I've also come to realise that this is part of the reason why I'm always so distant from human contact.

To be human is to experience joy, sorrow, pain, frustration. To be a social being is to share all of these emotions. If I keep them to myself on the pretext of being strong, that would mean I do not need others. And when there is no need for a listening ear, an encouraging pat on the back, a consoling hug, or someone to call your name to break your attention away from suffering by yourself, then you are essentially choosing to be by yourself. You cannot blame circumstances for this. You reap what you sow.

Sometimes I ask myself - what am I afraid of through just weakening my defences just a little to allow others into my life. Of being hurt, betrayed or cheated to the extent of never ever letting others in again? Of compromising supposed strength for exposing my weakness to others and being subject to their actions? Of possibly being too happy only to be hurt even more when such joy is taken away later? Or of losing my current state of mind at this very moment, of losing rationality, or even my warped sense of superiority that I'm in better control of my feelings than most other people?

People, who cleave onto one another for contact, for justification, for themselves. We sometimes seem quite a pathetic bunch don't we?

Transience

My outlook on life is very much influenced by the Japanese aesthetic perspective of wabi-sabi and its concept of acknowledging the transient, fleeting and imperfect nature of life. Wabi-sabi is also said to be derived from the Buddhist teaching of sanboin, or three marks of existence - impermanence, imperfection and non-self.

What's interesting to me was that I had been unconsciously and progressively internalising this way of thinking before I identified it - meaning that I had been and am still very intimately embracing these three strands of thought before I learnt very recently that they formed part of Buddhist teaching or Japanese aestheticism. It's probably through years of exposure to and interest in Japanese culture that such concepts gradually became ingrained in me. Hence when I realised that all the while my mindset had been exemplifying evidences of wabi-sabi or sanboin, I felt a sense of gratification.

Because of impermanence, we desperately seek to preserve things, to defy the trickling down of time. 

Because of imperfection, we strive for excellence, and become continually unsatisfied and disappointed easily when things fail us.

Because of vanity and narcissism, we grow self-centred and defensive, and quick to find flaws in others.

It is only human to want to be immortal or to immortalise, to seek perfection, and to find self-worth in various ways. I constantly dream of a life with no loss of whatsoever too. Yet instead of subjecting myself to a futile struggle against inevitability, I've come to a conclusion that acceptance, tolerance and appreciation is the ultimate way to live out my fleeting existence.

The world we live in is both beautiful and cruel at the same time. I have been greatly privileged to live a good life so far, so it would definitely be easier for me to say that fighting is unnecessary and futile. Yet, there are privileged people still concerning themselves with petty affairs, failing to consider the bigger picture. I find that such a waste, since this life is short.

I'm still terrified, especially about impermanence. All too often, I take things for granted only to realise their worth too late, and despite being aware I never truly learn. Ideas of immortality and freezing time or time travelling are therefore especially intriguing and tantalising. As I acknowledge such thoughts, I begin to understand more about the need for religion to stave away such fears or emptiness, to give an assurance of either an eternal life after death, or a second shot at life through reincarnation.

Good and Evil

It's Week 12 of my first semester in NUS - I'm nearing the light at the end of this tunnel. As project deadlines approach and pass, I find myself breathing easier and relaxing a bit more. However, I'm also starting to feel a little sentimental about not being able to enjoy classes with my module mates anymore at the end of this semester, especially with my freshman seminar module 'Heroism and Society'.

Just this morning I sent my final project off to Prof Goh after proofreading it for the umpteenth time with eyes squinted at my monitor screen, as I sipped my tea and chewed on bread in my pajamas. It was an individual research paper on the hero (or heroine) of my choice - Angelina Jolie. I'm a little proud of this project of mine, seeing that I invested quite a bit of time and effort into nurturing it from an inkling of an idea to a 3000 word paper. In August before starting school I never would've imagined completing a research paper (on Angelina Jolie to boot) - of course, I had very useful input from Prof and some feedback from classmates during my presentation which helped me in refining my thesis, and moral support from the most understanding parents in the world to keep me going.

So for today's seminar (the second last), Prof did a recap of the things we discussed over the course of seminars conducted this semester. I enjoyed today's discussion, particularly the analysis of the deeper relationship between heroes and villains; good and evil.

I've always toyed with the idea of heroes and villains each having a justified necessity to exist. And in doing so, I've always aligned myself with the dark side - or more specifically, the notion of shunning intimacy or collectivity, of having idealistic hope and a desperation to push for change. I tend towards feelings of futility and resignation (my idea of acceptance), and find myself detesting attitudes associated with blind fervour and overt positivity that just comes off as a flimsy attempt at escaping reality.

This thinking was especially prominent back in my secondary school days, when I constantly referenced myself as the villain in upsetting diary entries about my failure to gain acknowledgement from my band members even though I was trying so hard to be an exemplary band major. I grew sick of the cajolement that the teachers, instructors and leaders - even myself - perpetuated to the members about having the potential to succeed and win, when we were quite clearly failing on so many aspects. So towards the end and probably even up till now, I gave up trying to fight for things that were dying. I gave up being sincere. In fact, I wanted to ruin things to prove to everyone just how weak things actually are. And I suspect that somewhere inside me was a desire to see the anguish on everyone's faces when we did fail. On this note of supposed extreme negativity, I consoled myself with the idea that my existence as villain was necessary. Without villains to project criticism on, heroes would probably cease to seize the spotlight. I became content with being anyone but the hero. I needed someone to project my vengefulness on.

Back to the seminar - we examined two different thoughts of perceiving good and evil, both of which are referenced from religious ideologies namely Manichaeism and Hinduism.

Manichaeism is more familiarly recognised as an offshoot of Christianity that views good and evil - or more specifically light and darkness - as eternally opposing forces. The preaching of hope and anticipation for the return of the Saviour and the final defeat of Satan that represents the indictment of evil perpetuates the mindset of evil as a morally opposing entity that needs to be defeated. It has a large influence on Western thought where movies and narratives almost always present an evil force that is eventually defeated with the triumphant victory of the good.

Hinduism on the other hand presents Brahman as a single, universal entity that constitutes all facets of being - including both good and evil forces. It posits that there is a co-existence of good and evil, and that while a person may strive to be morally upright there would still be an underlying threat of moral ambiguity which may or may not emerge. Even if they do emerge as actions condemned as morally upsetting, this ideology essentially seeks to maintain that we should accept them as a naturally occurring reality of being human. The Freudian thought ties in closely with this philosophy, since psychoanalysis is interested in the depths of our unconscious dark tendencies known as the "Id" suppressed underneath our ego through which mould ourselves to appear rational.

I find myself very much drawn towards the latter philosophy, since I identify with it more closely. It seems too idealistic or simplistic to categorise elements into exclusively good and evil entities, even though most would think we are all essentially inclined to uprightness based on experiences of anxious moral obligation in us when we see acts of evil carried out before our eyes. Yet, when we condemn such acts, there is sometimes this creeping realisation and suspicion that somewhere within us there is a similar potential to do evil. For myself, I'm very guilty of putting up a strong super ego in front of others where I desperately try to present myself as a good person worthy of acceptance and favour. I smile and laugh, come off as very polite and friendly, and strive to gain favour with others by being agreeable. All of it is very insincere. Sometimes I feel like a disguised time bomb, where I could potentially detonate and destroy the image I have set up for myself. But for now, I'm clinging on to my rationality to maintain myself since it would work to my disadvantage if I let my thanatic instincts loose.

It irritates me so when I see people going with the Manichaeistic thought. They set themselves up in a position that focusses on the evil of others, such as taking strong offence at a remark or action and presenting their responses or reactions as justified morally upright acts. It is too brash in my opinion. It makes me wonder why we cannot afford try to understand things more, to consider these "evil acts" as an inevitable part of life and accept them without having to raise a conflict or start a fight. Doing so achieves nothing. Tell me, would any proud human suddenly decide that what they are fighting for is actually groundless and humbly admit defeat easily? If so, why do you think they started fighting in the first place? It just makes for a futile cycle of unnecessary waste of energy. I absolutely detest conflict. Especially futile ones.

But ultimately, I long for a reconciliation with both strands of thought. While I identify with the latter more, it presents a stagnation. It is very possible that acknowledging such futility leads to an increased need and desire for redemption that could be provided by the Manichaeistic thought, where good could one day actually overcome the evil within us.

Hidden by gods

Yesterday I decided to take a break from work by watching Spirited Away, and I fell in love with it all over again.

We know this well-received Studio Ghibli film by its English title, but I felt that it did not fully embody the sense of its Japanese title - 千と千尋の神隠し Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi, which directly translates into Sen and Chihiro's spiriting away.

Kamikakushi - can be broken down into kami which means "god", and kakushi which means "to hide". When expressed together, it denotes the spiriting away of a person when a god is angered, such that the victim is "hidden" from our world. Aside from its literal meaning, kamikakushi is also referred to as a form of "social death" from the real world.

This is one example of why Japanese language can be so beautiful. Some terms are expressed so artfully that its sense can be felt beyond its own meaning. Kamikakushi feels so quietly mysterious, magical and adventurous at the same time, making it seem almost inviting as a form of escape. If I consider its reference as a "social death", I believe I have died a few times by now.

The world in Spirited Away is surreal and yet familiar in a comfortable way. Following the heroine Chihiro (or Sen), it felt as though I was feeling at home through her character. There is always a gravity towards the realm of the otherworldly, yet the consciousness of reality is also ever present and lingering, serving as a slight reminder and warning not to lose yourself. This was represented by the significance of names in the film. Spirits or humans who wander into this realm assume a new name and therefore identity when working in the bathhouse. They unconsciously start to grow into their new identities and lose the memory of their real names and hence their past, forgetting their original purpose and being confined to this world without a way to escape. Chihiro's name was shortened into Sen and almost forgot her name until she was made aware by Haku.

I sometimes feel as if I wouldn't mind if I lost all my memories unconsciously and begin to live in a new identity, to start anew. It's such a convenient way to erase all my worries and problems. I would want to be swept away from the face of the earth and live somewhere no one can find me, where I could live in quiet bliss. However when I start to think about what I'd lose in the process, such ideas suddenly becomes less affordable and that's when I realise that I can't exactly rid myself of the shackles on my ankles.

My name is the very proof of that. The fact that I have a name by which people refer to shows how confined I am to social reality. The day when my name becomes obsolete is when I am free of contact, and there is no more need to be referred to be someone else. Should I be thankful that my name still has a use, or lament the fact that I am bound to reality?

Water

Water. Because I've been downing gallons of it over these few days in a bid to flush away every strain of the flu virus in my system.

Anyway I learnt something new yesterday. Did you know that you could be dehydrated even despite drinking lots of water? This condition is attributed to adrenal stress. I'm kinda lazy to explain what it is exactly, but generally it is sort of slight malfunction of the kidneys in its production of some substances due to stress in the body that can be derived from lack of sleep or mental strain. As such, water is not properly absorbed by the body resulting in dehydration.

Why the random subject? It's not that random actually. It started when I fell sick and began to gulp down cups and flasks of water almost continuously over these past few days. However even despite my drastically increased water intake, I found that my lips were drying up and cracking, ulcers were forming in my gums and my urine was dark yellow (cue disgusted expressions) - and it puzzled and worried me. Thoughts like "Do I have diabetes" and "Is it kidney failure" were popping in my head every time I took note of the symptoms, which prompted me to consult the Internet for an explanation. And that's how I came to be enlightened about adrenal stress.

Even though I was ill, I wasn't silently rejoicing and revelling in using my flu as an excuse for more rest (and that really means play), like how I would back when I was in my uniformed school days. University life has indeed changed my mindset. On the contrary, I was panicking and worrying about whether I could still meet the deadlines and prepare for tutorials in my condition. As I reflect on these past few days in retrospect, I was in awe at how drastically I've changed in my working attitude.

Worried that I would not be able to clear the list of work I made to clear over the weekend from Friday onwards, I woke early each day and stayed at my desk for the most of the day until late night, working continuously at each task while occasionally taking breaks in between by watching Buzzfeed videos and anime.

My parents constantly implored me to rest properly in order to recover, but still supported me by letting me continue to work while coming into my room at times to check on my temperature and giving me all sorts of medicine and weird concoctions to help me feel better. Honestly, I feel bad that I'm worrying them so and not spending as much time as I should with them during busy periods like this. My parents are really the most supportive and encouraging parents too, because I was talking to them about finding my eldest sister Stella's university thesis and project works and feeling discouraged that I would never be able to reach her standard. They assured me that I'm only in my first semester and that I would eventually get there, just like how a primary school student would look at a secondary level essay and feel intimidated only to realise that it is achievable when he reaches that level himself. Their wedding anniversary is next week, so I ought to do something to thank them properly.

So anyway, I was really getting stressed as I worked, especially for my Quantitative Reasoning project work since it was hard to get all my group mates together on the same page to work effectively. I felt horrible and useless at times but I could never fully tear myself away from my laptop because it had become an unhealthy source of assurance that I was being productive.

Over the span of these few days I noted my symptoms but didn't check on what it actually was yet until yesterday when I managed to clear most of my work. When I looked through the to-do list I was pleasantly surprised that I was ahead of schedule, which made me relieved since I could now relax and properly rest. When I learnt about adrenal stress after that, everything clicked. It was due to the fact that I had concentrated so much time and effort into work that my already weak body became more stressed and could not properly absorb water. To test whether I really had adrenal stress, I observed my symptoms again since I was relaxing for the most of today and found that my body was getting hydrated again. At least, I didn't have diabetes haha.

This taught me a lot about the consequences of overworking. However I can't say for sure that I've learnt from my "mistake", because beyond health concerns, I've become psychologically attuned to work as a sort of distraction by itself such that I could lose myself in it and feel justified in doing so. It is unhealthy and I'm not just harming myself, but indirectly affecting my family as well. I should try to at least not resign myself to such a mindset and work on a more effective way of being productive.

My Sister is Married

Stacey is married. After 27 years of being a daughter of the Leong household, after 19 years of being my sister, after about 7 years of courtship with her husband - all of these numbers still in the midst of increasing.

I was never close to my sister while growing up. She gave me the early impression of a temperamental, unloving sister whose job is to tell on me to my parents and get me in trouble all the time. I stuck close to my eldest sister, and it felt as if I would never be able to get along with her.

However, my sister is more than all that, and I was never mature enough to understand or appreciate her until I was in my late teens. She worked really hard and gave only her best in everything - her work, her spiritual walk in Christ, and the family. She was involved in all matters while I conveniently took the backseat and kept distant from all that is troublesome. Even though I'm in university, she still fussed over me and kept reminding me not to stress myself so. Every time I scored well in my national exams, she was always proud of me, going as far as to praise me to her friends and rewarding me despite having had poorer results than me back in her school days. I was much more privileged than she was in her childhood, but she never resented me at all.

Whenever I pass by her vacant room now, I'm hit over and over again by the reality that she has indeed left the nest. I'm not alone - I have Mom and Dad. But when I try to identify these feelings welling up inside me, I recognise them as loneliness. I miss my sister, and it'll take some time getting used to her absence.

I already foresaw this months ago when I contemplated about how people will eventually leave one by one, but it would be a mistake to say I was prepared mentally and emotionally. As the wedding procession neared the end and the couple made their thank you speeches, I had a lump forming at the back of my throat and my eyes were burning. I was trying so hard to suppress the emotions, but when my sister started with "I will miss home" and thanked me for the times we shared interests in cooking, YouTube videos and music, there was nothing else I could do from crying there and then. It was a good thing that I was blocked by a pillar, because I wouldn't want her to see me in that state.

I miss her, but I'm happy for her. There's nothing I can do that will ever be enough to repay her for what she has done for me - I can only do my best to fulfil her absence at home to the best of my ability in place of her and my eldest sister Stella. She's walked on ahead to the next stage in life as I watch her back, just like in that picture.

Dear Stacey, I pray that your marriage will be a blissful one.

Counting My Blessings

Today, I feel better than yesterday.

Nothing much has changed - I'm still beat down by school work and projects and am still pretty much unwilling to fully emerge from my shell. Yet, I feel as if it's easier to breathe for now and reflect on what are the things that made me feel better. The fact that I'm still sane and rational is evidence enough that while life has been challenging me more than ever before, I've still got a fair share of good experiences and memories thus far to keep me going.

First off, my limited edition Final Fantasy XIII original soundtrack pack arrived last week! FFXIII has been around since a few years ago so my obsession with it is really late - but that doesn't diminish its value one bit! I found a collector on Carousell selling it new and unopened, who expressed his surprise that there were still FFXIII fans around since the product had been on his page for about a year now when I met up with him to collect my prized specimen.

I was nearly squealing out of excitement when I finally got home and started to carefully unbox the contents which consisted of the soundtrack CD, a bonus audio CD and a picture book! I'm still waiting to borrow a disc drive to load the songs on my Macbook's iTunes since my laptop doesn't come with one. This has become one of my most prized possessions next to the Naruto Live Spectacle programme booklet and Card Captor Sakura CDs. I plan to buy the set of FFXIII figurines from the same dude after I clear up displaying space and get my next paycheck!

Stacey's wedding is just 4 days away from today. Time really flies, doesn't it. Another bird is going to leave the nest, and I will be alone now. It gets a little difficult just imagining how far she's going to be - and I don't mean physical distance. She would have her own family and matters to worry about now, just like Stella. But for now, I'll just be happy for her as she walks down to aisle to the next stage in life. I've been a really blessed girl as my sisters always look out for me and guide me along. Even though their hands are full now and can't hold mine anymore, I'm still being cared for and protected.

Next up, I'm really looking forward to another outing with Iggy! We've - or rather, Iggy (as he always emphasises on being credited) - already gotten our tickets to Halloween Horror Nights 5! I'm stoked because this would be my virginal HHN experience after missing out on so many years due to the untimely examinations and projects in school. Ever since I've started university, Iggy and I began to meet up or talk less often than before, though every subsequent outing or conversation still retained its element of fun since we're on comfortable terms with each other. While I pride myself in being a horror junkie, brave and all, I'm still pretty nervous for HHN5 since the reviews hailed this year's as being scarier than ever and it's been a long time since I've watched something horror-related. Nevertheless, I'm all in for a good scare!

I've only one more sociology mid-term paper to go, followed by the many project works I've to keep track of concurrently. However, I'm encouraged by the satisfactory results I've received so far. My sociology take home assignment got a B, which gave me a huge sense of relief because I honestly did not know exactly what I was writing! Also, the results for the linguistics mid-terms today came out later on the same day and I scored really well, which meant that my efforts paid off. I'm also reminded that while project work can be really stressful at times, I'm not alone - I've got group members whom I can seek help and assurance from.

With all these in mind, I will muster up strength and hope, and continue to push on.