I'm Not Returning

I am a girl in essence - even if I desperately wish to be different, even if I loathe my girl tendencies, even if I pull off a strong front just to show you that I don't need you and that I've moved ahead of you.

Because I'm essentially still a girl who speaks in riddles, who secretly longs for a pillar of support, and wants just the attention of yours despite scoffing at the ways of my kind.

And even if I hate it, it's already in my nature, my instincts. I dislike that I'm still interested in what you do and what you say. I dislike that I actually have to think over what I'm going to say to you just to keep the conversation going. And I hate it even more when I can't bring myself to move back or ahead where you're concerned. You and I above all still have some unspoken history to clean up.

Even if we are talking about something about the painful past I still want to talk. Ironically because you alone are the painful past. I've done away and cut off every memory and contact other than you and I don't know why.

You made me hope that I could actually redeem myself and my past, and invite thoughts of returning to the corridors where i used to run carefree in maroon pleated skirts and white blouse uniform. You tell me that I'm still needed there in those corridors because I was once powerful.

I will not fall prey twice to the same mistake. I will keep to my hypocritical ways and I will stay away from any of the horrible past. I will just forget those 4 years of being in the same place as you.

I hate this game of endless thoughts. None of us want to lose and so I'm not going to play anymore.

I'm not returning.

See No Touch

Note: From this post onward I'm gonna upload pictures of my own! Stacey cautioned me not to use so many (or not to use any) pictures from the Internet cos' there was a blogger who got fined for every picture she used without authorisation. It's frighteningly easy to save all the nice photos online and use them again because you want to share the beauty of these photos when it's actually illegal. So I'm gonna work hard on taking or editing equally or better good-looking beautiful pictures :)

The cover photo for this post is an edited version of one of the photos from my Korea trip album. If you like photo-editing on your phone to pass the time (like me, instead of carouselling too much) then I recommend the app PicsArt! It's really awesome and makes a whole lot of difference to the effect of the photo like this one that I took outside MBS before watching My Fair Lady:

Recently I've been coming across MMAAANNNYYY couples when I go out and somehow I go all ugh. There's this thing about close attachment that I'm somehow a little peeved about. I understand wanting to be close to the person quote "of your dreams", "your bae", "your cutie" but sometimes I wonder if being in a relationship romantically would be stifling. Imagine the amount of commitment you'd have to put in - won't it be emotionally draining? Perhaps i just haven't met the prophecised "One" yet that people seem to be looking for. It seems like once you've found that "one" you'd be willing to do anything, or you'd turn into a different person. But it depends on how much you're willing to lose your head for your heart.

Personally for now I enjoy the "See No Touch" process I'm going through - enjoy looking at and just casually getting to know people around me without being attached. Sure, I confess that I love looking at aesthetically pleasing guys like so many other girls (and I don't dare to get to know the very good looking ones because they are intimidating) but I don't just look at good-looking guys. I have guy friends that have admirable qualities that make feel that it's so cool to know them such as being musically talented, having great aspirations, being laidback etc.

See No Touch isn't so bad because if you think about it, being in a relationship kinda makes you guilty about looking at other people no matter how forgiving your partner is. And if you are unlucky enough to have unreliable friends that work as part time behind-your-back gossipers with a vast network of fellow gossipers, you can be darn sure that whatever secret eyecandy or close guy just-friends buddies you have will be made known to your partner. And if you are even unluckier to have a doubtful partner you can be darneddest sure that you'll have a hell of a time from him either directly or indirectly.

Why subject yourself to such unnecessary emotional stress when you can safely observe from afar? Touching anything can earn you the risk of getting yourself dirtied with wet paint.

And that stage of pure admiration that dwindles between nothing and getting to know that person seriously is always the most exhilirating and memorable (and cutest). Like the MVs for Akdong Musician's '200%' and 'Give Love' where the female lead gooses around the cute guy in a silly way.

You're No Tragic Hero

So what are you? Are you the main character of your life? Sure.

But you aren't the main character in their lives, you see.

Sure, you failed, you are heartbroken, you were cheated, you are upset.

But you forget millions and billions and trillions of others are like that too. People who are even probably dead have been through that, people in future who have yet to see this wretched world, people who brush past you in the streets. What makes you think "No one understands me"? You really think you're that special? That you're the tragic hero or the damsel in distress of this play?

Don't make me laugh.

A life that is full of complexities. Yet you underestimate it.

I don't blame any living person for hoping. I don't hate myself for wishing there's a silver lining.

But if you constantly wallow in your sorry pit of self-pity, bitterly remind NOT ONLY yourself but everyone around you of the disappointing event that did not go your way expecting sympathy and soothing words, then i have nothing but scorn for you and your weak resolve.

I am no iron woman myself. But unlike the tragic heroes and distressed damsels I do not intend to constantly make known my sorrows and pain to people who probably do not care at all. I do not want to be protected by half-hearted individuals. I want to be strong and be constantly moving forward.

You are no tragic hero, and neither am I. And in our lives we will face numerous setbacks and failures unlike the tragedies of the heroes we study. And there won't always be an audience who will bestow upon you the honour of their attention.

Instead of being sorry, we should be filled with the motivation of moving on with a realistic and almost brilliant scheming mind like Iago's, albeit without his villainy.

You're no tragic hero in this real world. You are mistaken if you feel that way. A true tragic hero never knows he is because of his ignorance towards his hamartia.

And what's there to follow? How often do you have anagnorisis, the reversal of ignorance to knowledge, with your stubborn mind?

I've had enough of your drama.

Traveler

There are so many things i want to be, want to do.

But there's so little time - even though I'm still in my adolescence i feel an underlying fear that seems to claw its way through my gut...and i just feel so uneasy.

I want to experience the world. I want to be everywhere and everything, just to know how it feels like.
I want to know how it feels like to be among the throngs of people in a bustling, crowded city centre, or a zen-filled temple by the countryside; be on top of a snow-capped mountain, or down in the depths of the oceans.

I want to feel the security and confidence of a high-flyer, and the constant fear of a refugee, and the hopelessness of the impoverished and starving.

My greatest ultimate fear is that nearing the end of my life that is so small and insignificant compared to the world, I will lose sleep thinking of all the things i could have done in my youth, the regret gnawing through silently yet painfully as i lie on my sickbed.

I want to be a traveler. A traveler who loves the world but can't form an attachment to one place. The world would be my home, but to the people i meet i would be a homeless traveler who can't exactly return to the same place.

But as spectacular as my dream sounds, it is almost impossible.

I'm too cowardly, and to embark on such a journey would mean a life of no rest - just constant exploration.

Like so many other people in the world, I also have an innate longing to settle down comfortably doing the things i love with the people i love.

But I'll always have a dream to explore and find something new and enlightening just around the corner.

Perfect Fifth 2014: Night to Remember

Perfect Fifth 2014 ended with a bang yesterday night. As we strummed our last and the curtains closed, I felt a bittersweet feeling as all our efforts for the past few months culminated and finally ended.

I had so much fun.

I can still remember a bunch of us going around hugging each other behind the curtains before the concert started. We knew this was it.

I really miss everyone truthfully even though i'm relieved that i can finally focus on my studies now that guitar is over. I don't know what to say. I just feel like going to everyone and giving them one last hug.

Here's a lil cute video featuring my adorbs section mates (in order of appearance): Jingxiu, Juliana, Vernice and Sushi :3

I'm only posting the day pics cos they are clearer and nicer (and more artistic haha) than the post-concert ones!

What really made my night was when my beautiful classmates came to not only congratulate me and give me flowers, but tell me that they truly enjoyed the performance and that our concert impressed them :)

Satisfaction.

Anyway I've been watching Natsume Yuujinchou again. 

It's such a beautiful anime, about an introverted boy called Natsume Takashi who has the ability to see Youkai and Ayakashi (Ghosts and spirits) and inherits his deceased grandmother Natsume Reiko's Yuujinchou (Book of Friends) which contains names of the ghosts and spirits she challenged and defeated. The names in the book act as contracts of service, hence anyone who controls the book has the power to control the spirits whose names are in it. However, Takashi seeks to help the Ayakashi, and returns them their names with Madara, or Nyanko-sensei acting as his bodyguard and mentor since Takashi promised to leave him the Yuujinchou after he dies.

The ending song of Zoku Natsume Yuujinchou (season 2) is really nice - Aishiteru by Kourin. It's so soothing, plus it was covered by IU before!

Don't.

I don't like how I am these few weeks.

I don't enjoy being unhappy. I do not ask for people to pity me and feel sorry for my pain. I don't want to have these ugly emotions.

I'm afraid of so many things, and I am so tired.

Sometimes i question if i have a right to be unhappy. I do know of people who probably have a lot more on their back compared to myself, yet I act as if the world owes me. I don't like how I am that way. Why can't I be stronger?

I feel worse when people ask me if I'm alright, because i fear that i may seem like one of those girls who seek attention, saying "I woke up this morning crying" on their Twitter and all. I am thankful you asked.

But do you really mean it? Are you just saying it for the sake of it?

Forgive me for being rude and unreasonable for the concern you give. But I don't know anymore.

I don't want you to pity me. I DON'T NEED YOU TO PITY ME.

I am not a child, I do not need you to smile at me and offer your hand. Who do you think you are?

Don't give me empty promises. Don't give me false hope. Don't say you'll help me if you can't.

I'd rather you tell me straight that you can't, you shan't, and you won't, instead of being unintentionally cruel and giving me hope. You mean well, I know. Don't say you'll help me, and leave me to wait for you to get back to me until you remember because all that i get is crushed bits of the useless hope i had held onto earlier. Why don't you be honest? I don't mind if you hurt me by being honest because i can move on.

More than being assured, I need to move on.

But right now I just want to be alone. Being around people is so tiring. I end up having to worry about what you think. I want to be there for you as much as you are there for me. But what i say and what i think have become two different entities. I don't want to give you my false front. I don't want to smile when I'm not happy. I'm so tired.

I don't want to go to school. All I want to do now is to stay in my room, stay in bed, and watch the world move from there. I feel so much safer and calmer there. The only day when my mood was better was Friday because I couldn't wait to get away from people.

When I'm out there I feel so vulnerable. I hold back from wanting to run away and cry because I don't want to look stupid in front of others. And i know if i cried people would worry - why should i be the one to add on to their worries? I do know, because last week i was too weak and i let loose during practice. I had been dealt a small blow from the teachers in charge emotionally and it was all i could do to force up a smile, apologise for my shortcoming and get away as soon as possible.

Get away? Yes i want to get away, far from here. Far from everyone i know. Far from civilisation. I hate being human. To be human is to feel and to love. Humans need other humans, giving rise to community. But we hurt each other too. I don't want to hurt anyone, and no one likes to be hurt.

I'm not strong. I can't hide my weaknesses. I must have looked pathetic. When my section mates asked if i was okay I couldn't suppress those stupid, stupid emotions anymore. I said I was okay and forced up a smile but it was too late. I'm not okay.

I've been hearing "Are you okay?" and "You look sad" way more times than ever these few weeks. And it's telling me something. I need to be stronger. If i was stronger i wouldn't have people possibly worrying and trying to offer me help they can't give. I wouldn't be so weak, faltering easily.

I don't like how I am. I have ugly feelings, ugly thoughts. I am slowly becoming a fake. All my fears are culminating into some weak defence that repels people more and more from me.

Don't pity me. Don't feel sorry for me. Leave me alone if you don't actually bother.

Memory and the Point of No Return

IT'S BEEN A WHILEEEEEE

I'm so terribly sorry bloggiee I haven't been writing in my own diary too actually. I'm either too tired, too uninspired or just too stoned.

A lot has happened all this time I was inactive on my blog, but I won't bore you or myself out by recounting EVERYYTHINGGGGG that happened because my life is just so ordinary and uninteresting. To sum up, I feel like my life is in a whirl at the moment, like I'm on a slow carousel ride feeling all nauseous and blinded by lights everywhere. I can't wait to leap off this ride, take a break and try some other ride of life.

When I think of my life now, the first thing that pops in my head is

SCHOOL.

 

 

Which is so so so so so sad. Not family, or religion, or even mushy romance but

 

 

SCHOOL.

 

I must be pretty screwed up now don't you think. Sure, I love school for my friends and all but then again I confess I always badly want to get away and be alone by myself somewhere else. I believe some distance is necessary.

 

Right now all I want to do is to eat a whole tub of ice cream by myself, watch some movies and just not care about anything else. I want to live the pig life (even though Dawn is trying to get me to slim down for Prom this year. I told her i can turn up in a pig costume or spacesuit if I'm too fat to look good in dresses and she was like NO WE'VE GOTTA LOOK FAB FOR PROM)

 

Music and sleep has been my escape so far. Lately I've been addicted to Memory from the musical Cats.

 

 

Memory,
turn your face to the moonlight

Letyour memory lead you

Open up enter in

If you find there the meaning of what happiness is

Then a new life will begin

 

Memory,

all alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

I was beautiful then

I remember the time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory live again

 

Burnt out ends of smokey days

The stale cold smell of morning

The streetlamp dies, another night is over

Anotherday is dawning

 

Daylight

I must wait for the sunrise

I must think of a new life

And I mustn't give in

When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too

And a new day will begin

 

Sunlight
through the trees in the summer

Endless masquerading

Like a flower as the dawn is breaking

The memory is fading

 

Touch me, it's so easy to leave me

All alone with the memory

Of my days in the sun

If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is

Look, a new day has begun

 

I want to watch Cats the Musical someday :)) I love musicals, and I love theatre so so so so much. Just sitting in a theatre alone is enough to keep me happy at the suspense. Another musical song stuck in my head is Point of No Return from Phantom of the Opera.

 

 

I have Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber to sincerely thank for his amazing compositions for Cats and POTO, and esp POTO because every musical number in it is just flawless and epic!