Farewell and fare well

 

 Yesterday was the last event of the 2012/2013 VJGE batch - Senior Farewell...sheesh i'm so gonna miss them seniors.

 

I mean I don't know them on a personal level but their very presence is so comforting so ):

 

I was so nervous during preps that I couldn't eat a proper meal - I had fruit punch, a nugget and a bite of cookie after Vernice threatened to get angry at me. But I was so nervy I just couldn't sit down properly so I was moving around like some lost kid ._. plus the stupid masking tape kept disappearing and reappearing at different places I was so close to flinging it out (and making it disappear again)

 

And I felt bad for yesterday too cos I was in charge for games and honestly I think I was a horrible game master - aside from the sadistic games of course I meant for the sadistic games to happen! But the games were laggy, especially the second one and it was awfully messy. The third game wasn't good too (though it was really funny to watch them all squeeze in front of the camera for the camera game) cos the pictures taken were all blurry. If I knew the cameras we have were like that I would have brought my own :/ but oh wells.

 

And during the Goats performance I think I sang like shit. It was okay during rehearsals but during the actual performance I couldn't hear myself and I might have hit a wrong key omg (freaks out)

 

Sushi and I wanted to perform The Only Exception by Paramore during open mic with me on the guitar and her on vocals but we were all short on time - I attribute the lack of time to my terrible games planning ><

 

Then Vernice left earlier around 9 plus but i didn't wanna leave yet so i stayed. In the end I left earlier than the rest with Sushi (i was damn sad I wanted to be there till the end) and hitched a ride to Tampines MRT station.

 

Apparently Sushi's dad had been waiting for an hour plus and couldn't get through to Sushi because there was no reception in the room (like seriously wth man imagine ppl running out to the koi pond and lifting their phones in the air like this:

 

 



 

 



My parents were really nice to wait for me at Bukit Gombak station to pick me up at 11.50 pm :) but omg I really hope next year's party would not be at Pasir Ris.

 

Then before and during the party the girls kept bugging me about that eyecandy senior which was really funny and annoying at the same time (Sarah proposed Mission Phototaking 2 from the failed mission during the concert, and Lishan almost ran to ask him but I managed to catch her before she did so which was SCARY)

 

Well sad to say I STILL didn't get a pic with him, but I did talk to him a little, which is LEVEL UP haha. But now there won't be anymore chances and there are greater things to worry about other than looking at eyecandies:(

 

Next year's farewell party had better be somewhere closer ><

 

Farewell and fare well, seniors - you guys are awesome as hell and yall HAVE TO VISIT US I DON'T CARE YOU BETTER NOT FORGET US.EVER.

Between Worlds

I am living between worlds. I'm neither here nor there. I can be real but I may not actually exist to you. You think you know me but who do you really know?

I am just a soul tied to my body - very much like a person holding onto a balloon, a balloon with my soul.

People all have balloons - some hold theirs so tightly they might burst any moment while others let theirs comfortably drift in. New ones are being blown every minute - different, unique, in all shapes and sizes and colours. Some balloons have been carelessly released and fly off to the place of no return, and others tangle themselves so much they can't float at all.

I'd like to imagine my own balloon - my own soul - adrift high up there, not wanting to be heavily attached and involved, and almost ready to fly off with a simple release of the hand. I feel different from the others. I'm stagnant. I run a little. I stop again. I release the string for fun and grab onto it again. I must not lose my sanity yet.

I am an alien. I am an animal. I am a ghost. I do not belong. I want the opposite of what I really want. Or what I think I want. Or what others think I want. But i'm still here with all the others. Disguised as human. As somebody who is actually another nobody when the balloon is gone forever. And I do not know, under all those guises of humans, who the rest really are - what type of alien, animal or ghost are they? If they remove their masks, will there be another mask underneath?

I live in my own world - a world I have created, the world under my rule. I get visitors sometimes in my dreams - what are you doing there for? get out of my world. get out get out get out. if you have entry I think you do mean something to me but I'm afraid of what you'll think of my world. My ugly ugly world with the familiar nooks and crannies I find comfort in.

I love acting. I am a professional actress in my major production called Life. Watch me hide all insecurities with a confident smile. Watch everyone absorb the drama. Cue the applause.

No Exceptions

YOOOOOOOOO

gosh I've been busy busy busy but blogging and writing in my diary helps me to de-stress so here's a post:) But my diary has been really stagnant - I've only picked it up a few times to read the past entries and laugh at my past self.

Mid year results for Chinese econs and maths are back and i'm like :/ Maths I already expected to do badly cos I have no interest or talent for math whatsoever, and econs i'm like EEEUUUUUAAAARGGHHHHH cos I actually expected to do decently for it yet cos of my terrible structuring and terrible choice of essay question I didn't do well *stomps on econs paper* as for Chinese I did pretty okay,but my paper 2 pulled me down gahh

I'm looking forward to getting back lit and GP, but not geog cos Mr Najib said "My mom told me if I had nothing nice to say I shouldn't say anything" when all of us asked him how was the geog papers that he marked.So i'm expecting to do badly for that even though I prepared really hard for it.

And apart from all these stress and anxiety from the results, I have sickening PW to worry about,Guitar Farewell Party games to organise and my life to mull about. I'm so tempted to lock myself in my room and rot there forever on my one true love - my bed.

Because when things go awry and the world turns its back on you, the lovely bed provides all the comfort you'll need. BED I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

Life is so bland right now.And what do people always say about bland lives? You need love.

SCREW LOVE I HAVE MY BED.

I'm starting to get a better control over my feelings now, convinced that such feelings are really troublesome cos they can get in the way of a good judgement. Of course I do not swear off guys and go all feminist (girls ARE awesome) - I still melt at pictures of Ryan Reynolds

 

RYAN REYNOLDS IS HOT.I'm still trying to convince Dawn that Ryan Reynolds is awesome. But both of us have differing tastes. I like broad and buff guys like Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman (Just look at those biceps pecs and abs oh gosh) but Dawn likes thin undernourished feminine looking guys like Tom Hiddleston, the guy who plays Loki.

 

Oh and the eyesssssss the feature I look at the most are the eyesssssss I LOVE BIG EYES but i'm not blessed with big eyes tsk. Oh man now as i'm writing this post i'm scrolling up occasionally to look at Ryan Reynolds I need help haha

 

Right now I think I can survive just by looking at these prized specimens of masculine beauty without being in love in real life. I've been able to be normal in school nowadays when I see my eyecandy (the encounters are becoming much less frequent now) so it's PROGESS!

 

I hope i can survive another 1.5 years in JC and the rest of my life. People around me have their eyes set on snagging that dream job and earning the big bucks, but all I want is to live peacefully. I want to get out of Singapore and live in some other place where i'm surrounded by space, like New Zealand! Ideally I want to work and save up enough money to migrate overseas with my parents if they are willing. If I worry about living and dying alone at some point I can adopt a kid and raise my kid up and be my kid's best friend, like how my mom's my best friend.

 

And then I will die, either naturally or unnaturally, at a ripe old age or prematurely and be forgotten once my name is uttered for the last time, disappearing into thin air.

 

 

The Only Exception by Paramore

 

 When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry

And curse at the wind

He broke his own heart and I watched

As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that

She would never let herself forget

And that was the day that I promised

I'd never sing of love if it does not exist

But darling, you are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul

That love never lasts

And we've got to find other ways to make it alone

Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this

Keeping a comfortable distance

And up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

But you are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality

But I can't let go of what's in front of me here

I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up

Leave me with some kind of proof, it's not a dream, oh

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing

Oh, and I'm on

 my way to believing

 



17 & Survivin'

 

Heeeeyyyyy

 

Now i'm in the colourful mood - MID YEARS ARE OVERRRRRRR

It sucked to have my birthday on the same day as my lit paper. Fancy spending 3h rushing out 3 essays in one sitting in the lecture theatre infamous for being an arctic simulator and a terrible neckache. But it wasn't so bad cos i was given a lot of hugs from the VJC peeps. In VJ I realise people hug a lot, unlike in BP. Or actually people hug MUCH MORE.

 

I got presents too, which I wasn't expecting at all since I thought nobody would have the time to pick a gift or write a card for me (I SUPER DUPER LOVE HANDMADE CARDS).

 



Many many thanks and loves to Nicholas, Genevieve and Eric!! Haha I think its a coincidence that my presents seem to follow a certain colour theme of blue and orange cos my cards are blue and the notebooks I received are orange.

The pressies I got were really special - I mean I never got body lotion as a gift especially from a guy, and I love the orange tiger notebook and card,so thanks nic!

Gen got me the cool Cola bottle from London (I feel so touched that you were thinking of me even on your London trip!) and the orange notepad with multi-coloured pages and the cute blue card with the ham and beef illustrations - GO GENEBEEF AND SAMMIEHAMMIE DUO!

Eric's card was quality - I couldn't help laughing so badly when I opened it on the bus home. Apparently since Dawn Eric and Tif couldn't get me a present of my eyecandy kidnapped and placed in a gift box, Eric took the liberty to print an A4 size picture of him,fold him up and place him in a nice 2D box in the card resembling my eyecandy's bag. So now I have an A4 size picture of my eyecandy in my bedroom AND I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO WITH HIM NOW MUAHAHAHA ok that was uncalled for hahahha. X]

Mom made birthday vermicelli too! It's one of the little things I love on birthdays - a nice bowl of food made with love. Which reminds me I have my mom to thank and congratulate for enduring such a difficult pregnancy and birth of such a dumb alien like me :) I hope life so far has been fine for you and I really enjoy the mother-daughter bonding times we have over lunch meet-ups. Maybe in future I may not be able to spend as much time as I do now so I can't make any promises but I will continue to try my best!

Today after the Chinese papers (which felt like hell) Dawn Danyel Lynn and myself went to I12 Katong to watch Despicable Me 2!! Haha Eric couldn't join us cos of his CLIC leadership camp, Gen had to go visit her Grandad at the hospital and Wenli went to meet her boyfriend so the four of us of the miserable MT group went. It was funny but I felt Monsters Uni was much better. I really liked the minions tho - they looked dumb but I like dumb stuff.

Dawn and I took a fast zipai after the show and I really like this pic:) I think I look better with a spastic face than a normal demure looking smile. My sis just commented that we look alike here...and I can imagine Dawn saying NO WE DO NOT emphatically.

 

ANW THIS DAWN.SHE...SHE...SHE'S SO MEANNNNNN >< on my birthday after lit she got onto the same bus as my eyecandy (eric hopped onto the same bus last min as well) and the pair of them rascals, Eric and Dawn, started sending me texts with live feed on my eyecandy after I watched them and him drive away in the bus (dammit why can't I take the same bus). THANKS A BUNCH.

 

Eric texted "he sounds so manly" and Dawn texted "i'm next to him now - he smells good" and "I fell on him - his skin is so smooth" LIKE YEAH ALMOST ALL MY FIVE SENSES ARE ENGAGED NOW. (Eric later commented saying it'd be weird if the sense of taste was included :P) I really have no fate with my eyecandy...maybe Fate was being generous on my birthday by letting me see him after 1 month and 4 days of not seeing him since school ended.

 

Moving on...

We had Marble Slab ice cream afterwards and started having girl talk, gossips etc. I felt reaaaalllly happy cos I do not have such experiences often even tho it seems like what girls always do.;)

Danyel's pose makes her look like a mom haha.and Dawn looks weird squashing Lynn.

Yeahhhh i wanna have more outings!><

 

Now that MYEs are over i'm gonna slack like a sack of potatoes this long weekend. Sunday i'm gonna be celebrating my birthday together with my sister Stacey's birthday at some Jap restaurant at Liang Court! So i'll post a pic of them in the next post prob. There are tons of movies i wanna watch - The Lone Ranger (JOHNNY DEPP!!), World War Z (which is prob not screening anymore) and Pacific Rim. So most prob i'll be meeting up with Patrick from VJ to watch a movie! Patrick's been a great source of support by encouraging me on during MYEs so thanks starfish!:)

 

I shall end the post with  funny Hana Kimi clips of Nakatsu and cute pics! I LOVE TOMA IKUTA! haha he's that brown-blonde hair dude who plays Nakatsu Shuuichi and he's really funny.

 



 



 

 

Actually Lovin' This Haze

HEEEELLLLLOOOOO ONE AND ALL

It's going to be the start of the last week of June hols and YES i am freaking out like a little shit cos of MYEs.

I'm crossing my fingers really really hard that some miracle of some sort will happen - the haze will be so terrible it shoots to the "it-will-seriously-kill-you-like-a-zombie-virus-thing" range and SCHOOL WILL BE CLOSED FUCKYEAHH NO MORE MYEs!

or even something like getting struck by lightning and suddenly gaining powers like an IQ of 1 million or super good memory to help ace my exams.

Hah. what am i thinking. But i somewhat like this haze (hey thanks Indonesia) cos when i wake up in the morning and look out of the window i like to imagine we're in apocalyptic times *cue dramatic music* and mankind is fighting for survival or some shit. And then i don a mask to protect me from the poisonous fumes that will kill me if i inhale too much and step out of the shelter of my home into the dangerous world where i will scavenge for supplies to aid me through the tough times.

okay yes enough samantha you lil brat. stop cursing the world for goodness' sake.

 

So besides studying at Limbang Macs and working i've been Youtubing and listening to music to chill off. Have you heard of PEWDIEPIE ?! HAHA he's amazing he's so funny this is the first video of his i saw and after that i went to watch his montages and gameplays (so far i've watched Misao, Mad Father, Gretel and Hansel, Pizza 1 & 2 and some episodes of Happy Wheels)

He does mostly action and horror genre games (i likey) plus his commentaries are hilarious.

 



 

Then while studying i've been listening to music in my IPhone and there's this song i've listened to for trillions of times yet i never get sick of it (You know there're songs you listen to alot at first but after a while you just skip it when it comes on cos you're SICK of it) but not this. It's Young Folks by Peter John and Bjorn. Okay the music video is kinda boring but i love the music. I never ever get sick of it!And it holds not much of a meaning too.

 



 

Anws my birthday's coming soon and mom keeps asking if i want to have friends over for a celebration but i was like no, cos my friends all live in the east area except Dawn and my birthday's in a busy and critical time (during MYEs dammit).17 huh...i'm finally going to be 17. With every passing year i find birthdays less and less significant and all i just want is a simple meal and cake. (STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE PUHLEASSSEEE)

 

Gosh i feel old.

To Remember Me

The first week of June hols is over...and i feel so unaccomplished.
Basically how it went was that for Fridays - Sundays (except today) my day would be spent at Cacio e Pepe working in the kitchen. Then for the rest of the days it would be doing household chores in the morning and studying either at the library or Limbang Macs for the whole afternoon till evening. There was one day when i studied at Macs at night cos i decided to sleep in for the afternoon hehs.

Of course i'm not the perfect mugger so i relax by watching gameplay walkthroughs, music videos...and stalking people. ok i've said it. i DO stalk people. esp people that interest me haha. but you can't really blame me cos whatever's on the Internet is for people to see isn't it. In my personal diary which i write in i did pen down a thought that went "...i'm so good at this that i think i can make a good private investigator or something..." positive thinking,positive thinking...

So far i've finished Resident Evil Revelations and Remember Me (Boston was watching the latter so i decided to give it a shot).

When i watch gameplays i feel a kind of satisfaction, as if i am in another world. It feels like watching a really exciting movie with the best effects - more blood, more gore, more action, better graphics, lovely character designs, superb background setting stage designs - you name it. There's a sought of sadness too, firstly cos you're just a spectator, not a player, and secondly cos it all ends when the game's finished.

But i feel like i get judged watching gameplays cos i'm a girl and the world is sceptical about girl gamers. They think it's a ruse to get attention and favour from guys. Yes there are girls like that out there, but not all are like that, okay?
If you know me well, i'm NOT one of the many girls who have frequent girl outings and shopping sprees (i feel awkward stepping into a boutique alone even when i'm dressed in outside clothes so i mostly shop with my sister and my mom...i get to buy on their credit too!:D)



It's not like i don't want to. I envy those girls (bitches they become when i'm jealous but they're really not) who post their lovely filtered camwhoring pics or selfies or selcas as they like to call them on fb and twitter (thank heavens i do not have an instagram account) But then again i want to be doing something i'm comfortable with, and dressing up pretty and fashionable and going out for lovely lunches and shopping trips is not exactly what i enjoy. Being caught up with how i look and dress is fucking tiring.Besides i already do not have a flattering figure or appearance, so any amount of prettying is kind of useless - not like i have anyone to show to and not like anyone gives a damn.

I want to escape this superficial helpless reality. And dreams start to reduce in numbers with age.

Turning to gameplays is like playing a dream created by the geniuses' dreams and imaginations put on the drawing board in the gaming companies' creative studios. Ideally i want to live in the place they create - walking on the streets of Neo-Paris in Remember Me, splashing paint on blank canvases in The Unfinished Swan...even running away from zombies in the Resident Evil series or the darkness in Silent Hill...

At least in those worlds the characters have a purpose...

In the games if i were a character...any character, i don't even mind being the antagonist (actually i take satisfaction in playing the bad guy roles...people are not evil and bad for no reason even though most of the time their catchphrase is "I WANNA RULE AND CONTROL THE WORLD THEREFORE I AM CAUSING DESTRUCTION")...if i were a character i would have some sort of ability be it controlling memories (Remember Me) or even using a badass rifle or shotgun.(OR A BAZOOKA that's always the finishing weapon in most of the RE games), i would have a purpose be it save the world or ruin the world...and i would look cool cos of the amazing character designs:

 

haha i knew you'd be thinking "this girl's biased she's only referring to the main characters that would of course look good" so i put up the Leapers ( memory addicted humans who have degraded Sensens and mutate to sub-human forms) AND THEY LOOK COOL TOO OKAY.

 



In Remember Me my fav character's Bad Request (on the left with cornrows), a wannabe Memory Hunter and Nilin's biggest fan. He reminds me of Darren my AGL cos he sounds like him and kinda acts like him which is quite interesting and amusing. But i like Bad Request cos he's really great and in the end died saving Nilin (on the right).

Right now i'm also working on a lil fan fiction on Remember Me characters in my Notes app on my phone cos i'm so inspired by the whole game idea (i don't know why reviews are so mixed about it it's a fucking awesome game damn you reviewers) and of course i'm gonna somehow get Bad Request back into the picture even though he's dead.

And i end off with Remember Me's brilliant soundtracks:

Work and Service

Nice picture eh? I went to google image 'Italy' and this lovely picture came up! I WANNA GO ON A HOLIDAY :<

Haha okay forgive my randomness. Yeap so i started work again at Cacio e Pepe on Saturday in the kitchen. My skills were still a lil rusty but i think i did okay (as you can see i'm writing this post without being cooked or anything) I cut my pinky though, while slicing the tomatoes for Caprese (don't worry there wasn't blood shed on the food IT'S CLEAN)...now i can't practise properly on the guitar :S i'm gonna die once practice resumes.

Yay so yesterday i learnt to make 2 desserts from scratch! Ben the other part timer was teaching me as i jotted down notes on the lovely vintage looking notebook Chenxin gave me last time. During break (3 - 5.30pm) everyone else were either reading or sleeping (actually they all started out reading but plonked haha) and i was there studying COS THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME DAMMIT nahhh i just decided to study. But i was soooo tired urgh. Plus Sundays are our major clean up days so i was exhausted like hell.

Then i found out my bosses were expecting me to work for the whole of June including weekdays.I mean, i definitely can't!i have MYE to study for - even right now i have insufficient time. i only have 16 days to study minusing my work days. and i didn't work cos i needed cash or something but cos i know my bosses are facing a tough time looking for part timers (the prev one was lousy and just resigned, and Ben can't work for the whole of June) so i decided to help out since i felt bad for rejected Bee's request to work a few times alr. Of course, the pay is an incentive haha.

SLV
Then this morning i woke up early like 7.15am cos today's SLV day! (Service Learning Volunteering i think i'm not sure what it actually stands for) but i had to go to VJC first to submit my mt essay.And now i'm gonna rant about the MRT system:

SERIOUSLY JUST DO SOMETHING PLEASE. actually wasn't it all fine before even without the Circle Line? THE GOVT SHOULD STOP INTRODUCING MORE PEOPLE INTO SINGAPORE.
It is terrible - how would you like being packed like freaking sardines even after missing the first train (can't squeeze in anymore people). I alighted at Buona Vista because i thought changing to the Circle Line would save me from the excess skinship BUT NUUUU apparently alot of people use the Circle Line too. i decided to just tap out and hail a taxi. (no i'm not a rich kid who can just hail a taxi on a whim - i happened to have higher purchasing power cos yesterday was payday!)

And just my luck i got the white taxi the EXPENSIVE ONE. but i felt it was worth paying cos it was a comfortable ride (i hate taking taxis sometimes cos of that heavy pandan smell and the bumpy ride that gives headaches) and the driver was polite...and pretty cute HAHA ok that was unnecessary.and since he took the AYE we drove on one of the roads i love driving on the most ever since i was a little kid peering out through the windows of my dad's car.it's like a highway and you'll see giant billboards advertisements and the shipyard with lots of containers on one side and work officers and buildings on the other (and the old train station).

After vj i took the bus to Mountbatten to meet the core SLV team (Dawn Tif Eric Ida and myself) to prepare the programmes for the elderly and TungLing Eldercare. We went to Old Airport Food centre to order the tau huay for the elderly and haul them back to the centre. When the rest of A15 arrived later they were pretty nervous cos they didn't know how to communicate with the elderly.

Personally i prefer working with elderly to working with kids contrary to what alot of people think. It's not that i dislike kids or whatever but i happen to click better with the elderly, and kids require lots of energy to handle (urghh). And on my mom's side of the family all my cousins (esp the female cousins) flock to the babies (either the nieces/nephews or cousins) and start fussing over them and -spoiling- them. I don't really like the idea of giving the babies loads of attention and goodies (most likely they'll end up spoiled but not always) and so i always avoid joining the crowd of female cousins showering their affection for the babies.

I was the emcee for the programme so i had to be patronising - and i exhausted my whole range of limited vocab (i'm all ready for oral now haha) and tried to connect with the elder folks. apparently everyone was surprised with my emceeing ability cos usually in class i'm not outstandingly social (my class has ALOT of interesting outstanding people) and well yup i'm  pretty pleased with myself haha. I had to act out that emceeing role cos obviously that wasn't in my personality and Dawn was saying "if you used that emceeing personality with me i would've punched you cos i know that's not you" which is true. Dawn knows me really well haha.

I felt it was a good SLV though i thought we could have done better cos it was quite messy.But today was a great day :)