Figuring Out

Each time I write a post on this blog, it's usually when I get some epiphany about something and want to document my thoughts on it because it feels like a mini success when I finally figure out another aspect of my life. And just this evening I had a new one about my relationship with my partner after a long, tearful (on my end, Cam doesn't really cry) but much-needed conversation about our attitudes and expectations towards what we share.

I'll begin with a little context of what we are like in this relationship. It's been about 1 year and 3 months since we started this long-distance, interracial relationship. Cam and I enjoy a very communicative relationship that is attributed to various common interests and perspectives on things, and most importantly we are both very serious about each other i.e. we have marriage in mind. We're quite rational and understanding about most things, so we haven't had any actual arguments or clashes because we make pretty good or reasonable decisions that we both agree and can't really fault each other on (not that any of us want to anyway). In other words, I think we make a really good team, and that's essentially what a partner is.

We do have our differences too. I am direct, more confrontational and emotional, while Cam is tactful, less confrontational and very collected (amongst other differences). For the longest time I had weird issues with the fact that I would always be the one confronting him about stuff and that he never seemed to get upset despite me essentially voicing out my selfishness - like wanting him to take more initiative with our conversations or with physical affections etc because I wanted more from him. His response would always be to patiently listen and assure me he will take note for future situations, which he would. And despite his attentiveness I was still somehow bothered, but I didn't have a reason to be because Cam wasn't doing anything wrong - in fact he was doing it right! I figured maybe he was holding back his true feelings and emotions just to do the right thing and to accommodate me, and I was upset at the thought that maybe he can't be himself around me.

But then as we talked about those issues today, I suddenly realized why I was so unsettled by him doing it "right". While we are indeed different in our ways of communication sometimes, there was a fundamental difference in how we perceived and conveyed love, deeply-rooted in culture and upbringing.

As a Singaporean, I went through the typical Asian upbringing where tough love is the norm. It doesn't make it any less than the kind of open and very expressive love that maybe Cam would've been more exposed to growing up in a Western culture, but it does have the effect of most Asians including myself finding it more embarrassing or awkward to express or receive open declarations of love.

And when I think about all the couples I've known - be it my parents', sisters' or friends' relationships - arguments and clashes form a big impression of what a relationship would be like. I've always heard or seen how confrontations never go right. It starts with every intention to clear things up and make things right, but someone always takes it personally and reacts negatively to it. To me, that was oddly normal, and made sense too because being confronted about something points to a personal flaw somewhere and we don't like to be perceived that way by the person we love. Being self-centered in that way in a relationship seemed only natural. With such examples in my life, it's no wonder why I didn't know what to make of Cam's selflessness in our relationship. To me, his patience and understanding was "abnormal". Even though I always wanted a partner who shared my view on being honest and communicative so as to avoid those arguments and clashes, a part of me somewhere still doubted that could become reality.

As an Asian, it's common to sometimes feel like you have to earn validation and affirmation by being an impressive person. The reverse is the same, where showing our weaknesses or insecurities lead us to believe that no one would truly like us for who we are. I think back to the numerous occasions where I would break down when Cam showers me with words of affection, like how he thinks he's the most fortunate guy to be able to be with me and how much I mean to him, even though I show him the sides I don't like about myself. I'd ask him amid my ugly crying why he's always so nice to me. I'd ask him things like "Don't you find that I'm giving you pressure?" and "Aren't you upset or mad at me?" to which he'd always essentially say no, because he appreciates how I trust him enough to show him all of me and help him understand me more.

All these while, my frustrations weren't really about Cam, but more so at myself for not knowing how to deal with the fact that a relationship could be what I idealized. Love in Asian terms is often expressed practically and tangibly, i.e. we do or get things for the people we care for based on what we know they need or like, because that's a surefire way to make them happy. Cam's selflessness boggled me because I was at a loss on what I could do for him given my still Asian tendencies that way. Despite me knowing that Cam loves me for who I am and doesn't expect more than my love back for him, the Asian in me still thinks I have to actively earn his love. By telling Cam that he could be more selfish with his feelings if he wanted, I realized I was unconsciously subjecting him to that standard just to make it easier for me to respond and "earn" his love.

I never really thought my culture and upbringing would have such a profound effect on my view on relationships, especially since I've admittedly thought myself as being more broadminded and influenced by western culture than I really am. It's cathartic to finally figure out what's behind that unsettling feeling that never really made sense to me, and for Cam, it's a big relief for him to see me emerge from a sobbing heap of confused mess and move on from there.

In more ways than one, I am really grateful that I get to be with this guy who loves me for who I am, and helps me learn to love as well :)

Cultural Fatigue

I wish I could go back to this moment at Kegon Falls in Nikko, admiring the natural landscape and immersing myself in the novelty of the surroundings. That's the appeal of travelling isn't it - to have a temporary change in environment to refresh yourself and stimulate your senses with new discoveries of the unfamiliar. And at the end of it all, you return back home with fond memories and anticipation for the next adventure. But such bite-sized, exhilarating experiences don't reflect fully the reality of living there, and that's a realization and conclusion I have come to after more than three months of living here in Japan for my exchange.

Not everything here is bad of course, and I feel I have grown more independent in my thinking and resolve to take initiative and responsibility in all that I do from living on my own. Yet despite the good memories and experiences here (among some pretty annoying ones) I still look forward to the day I pack my luggage and board my flight home to Singapore.

I miss the tropical heat and humidity where I'm free to walk the streets relaxed in slippers, T-shirt and shorts.

I miss the 11pm trips with Mom and Dad to the nearby 24-hour coffee shop for some dim-sum and roti prata supper, and the casual friendliness of the stall owners there.

I miss the peaceful bus rides to school looking out the windows with my earphones on playing music.

I miss stopping by NTUC on the way home from school, figuring out what I should make for dinner for my family.

I miss lying on the cool floor at home giving Skippy back scratches and then holding him in my arms to sniff the furry back of his neck.

I miss walking into the kitchen watching Mom cook and talking to Skippy at the same time.

I miss the sound of Dad playing his stereo or doing his own personal karaoke in his room.

It will still be more than half a year before I get to embrace all these familiar practices of home again, so I feel a little miserable. At times I feel a little sheepish admitting to friends and family that I've gotten a little tired of my life here in Japan, either because some of them who haven't lived in other countries before tend to expect it to be a lot more fun, or because they expect me (of all people, the Japan lover) to be having the time of my life now. It's not something I'm proud to admit too, because I feel like I should be making the most of my one year here, and not mope about wanting to go home.

This makes me think about the future as well. My experience of home as it is will not remain that way forever, even if I wanted it to. I will probably come home to a different house, with different family members, maybe even in a different country at some point. Living here kind of simulates that, and makes good preparation for such a future. However, if I'm feeling homesick like this already, I wonder how I'll fare for bigger, longer and more permanent commitments. I guess that's something I'll have to ask Mom and Dad, and my sisters especially, on their experience and how they got through it. How did it feel to move out of their original households and make their own homes? Even though they have their own families and homes now, they're still in Singapore and we can still meet easily and frequently.

I had this talk with Cam. Many people have asked me (and maybe Cam on his end as well) about where we would eventually settle assuming we do get married. At this point we are open to either Singapore or Perth since both countries are quite similar in terms of living standards and are viable options to stay in. It would probably come down to job opportunities in either country, which is still something relatively distant in the future to consider now. After finishing our studies in 1-2 years, we plan to work in our own countries for about 2 years before looking at opportunities on the other side.

When I spent two weeks in Perth in August this year, I did think about the possibility of me settling here in future. I felt comfortable and enjoyed my time there with Cam, his family and friends, and also the way of living there. However I remember feeling a little low towards the end of the two weeks, not just because I was sad that I would be apart from my boyfriend again, but because I missed home and was feeling a little sad at the thought of leaving Singapore in future to stay here.
What the future holds for us we can't help, and wherever we settle in that time will inevitably come. So I try not to let that bother me too much, and remind myself to focus on what I can do at present.

For now I should continue to be open-minded about living here (as best as I can), and when I go home I should really appreciate the time I have with my family too.

Confrontation

https://www.catster.com/cat-behavior/stop-cats-fighting

Lately, my interactions with people in school and in the dormitory has got me reflecting on human nature and how people deal with confrontation - regardless whether they're on the receiving end of it or initiating one on someone else. Back in Singapore, people tend to be confrontational most of the time which can be both good and bad. It's great during projects when you don't have the time to be tripped up by unnecessary issues, and bad when it stems from taking offense from a silly misunderstanding and blowing it up into a brawl (which happens quite a lot in MRTs haha). Singaporeans are generally a very vocal bunch (i.e. they complain A LOT) and as one myself, I do consider myself quite a confrontational person.

Though confrontation comes with its downsides and unpleasantness, I generally prefer it more than inaction because the latter gets me feeling uneasy, especially since I tend to get very insecure and self-conscious, constantly drowning in an ocean of thoughts from overthinking. It's just so much better to suss it out before things get worse, and move on with life and other more important things.

Not everyone feels comfortable with confrontation of course - I know it can be scary and heart-pounding to carry out or receive one. I've been there many times, contemplating if I should confront someone about something. It's so much easier to brush the issue off and avoid confrontation because that takes virtually no effort at all - yet I think most people don't actually feel better from that. They might say "Hey, I've avoided potentially aggravating the problem and nothing has changed - soon everyone will forget it and let it go." While this sounds about right, in reality it doesn't always happen that ideal way:

Number one, not everyone can forget it and let it go. Sure, you might have prevented a troublesome situation from happening at that moment by doing nothing. But when questions are left unanswered and suspicions unconfirmed, negative thoughts and feelings fester and take a much longer time to get over - by then it's too late to confront them without things getting awkward.

Number two is an extension from One. When one gets increasingly bothered by an unresolved issue, there needs to be an outlet for those emotions. Some people can suppress it very well, but others fail terribly and start becoming passive aggressive. I'm starting to hate this phrase a lot more now because it doesn't make sense at all. Sure, it is an actual term used to describe a person who's pissed but doesn't want confrontation. But to me these people are just aggressive - desiring to express anger and inflict discomfort without having to own up to it and selfishly wanting others to do something about it. Nothing has changed? Yeah right, now we have a super awkward situation where everyone can obviously see you're mad about something but can't do anything about it because they're "not allowed" to assume you're angry about something. Tell me, how passive is that?

In the process of it all, so much time is wasted, friendships are weakened and it's just exhausting. Not every occasion demands a confrontation of course. For example, I consider many factors such as "Will this bother me in future if I don't deal with this now?" and "Is this a close friend who would understand, or someone with whom I will work with closely again so that confrontation would be worth it?". I know myself best, and if I know that I will beat myself up mulling over the issue later I'd rather save the energy and say something about it now. If it's with a friend or workmate I need to build a relationship of effective teamwork and trust, then I rather be honest with them even if it comes to unpleasant things. Otherwise if it's just a person who just happened to cross my path at this point I don't think it's worth it to clear things up.

I didn't really see the benefit of confrontation till my time in VJC since I'd always been of the mindset that I should be on everyone's "good side" and avoid any possible risk of offense. But when I saw how refreshingly efficient and strong the communication was among the students there, I was inspired to be the same. I admired how confident and real everyone was, and how they had no qualms calling out someone on a mistake or misunderstanding because that's just all it is - a mistake to be ratified and nothing personal beyond that. There weren't any hard feelings, and everyone just moved on. I learnt that if we keep dwelling in our own self-consciousness and image, fearful of stepping on toes - it costs not just us but everyone else around a whole lot more.

I'm still learning though, and I do struggle sometimes when it comes to things that are harder to confront, like any small dissatisfaction or misunderstanding I used to have with Cam. Yet because I know the costs of inaction, I push myself to do it. It gives me a sense of relief and pride when I get over the issue, and when I hear the truth rather than believe the delusions of my mind. I really do hope that more people around me would appreciate how confrontation can be helpful instead of it being scary and problem-aggravating.

Living the Tokyo Life

It's been a looooong while since I wrote here but I'm currently procrastinating on my Japanese discussion essay and don't really feel like watching a show or playing a game at the moment too, so I figured I'd write a post. At least writing makes me feel like I'm doing something somewhat productive haha.

So if you don't already know from the title, I'm currently living in Tokyo for one year as I study at Waseda University! It's always been a little dream of mine since I was 12 to stay in Japan for an extended duration just to experience and see for myself what it's like to live in the land where so many of my interests hail from. Two months in and I must admit that the reality of living here doesn't quite meet my expectations despite them having been primed and cautioned by the personal experiences of my boyfriend and friends who've spent at least a year here in Japan.

Apart from the first couple of days moving here, I've settled into my new lifestyle in Tokyo pretty well. The first few days came as a little bit of a shock for me due to the sudden change in environment and having to come to terms with being alone and away from friends and family, and consequently dealing with most things on my own. I spent the first night on a really long Skype call with my boyfriend Cam just talking to him because I was still anxious and unable to relax despite being sleep-deprived for more than 12 hours.

But subsequently I got settled in pretty smoothly. The fact Singapore imports so many store chains and products from Japan like Daiso and mirin etc makes shopping less of an intimidating feat for me as compared to my Indian and Serbian dorm mates who've never seen many of the things they sell here before. I became somewhat of a little walking encyclopedia of Japanese products since they'd ask me about what a product was and how it's used etc. Google Maps and the iPhone weather app are now two very well-acquainted friends since I rely on them a lot almost on a daily basis. Trains here are complicated AF and for some reason the rain here is a lot more unpleasant to deal with than in Singapore so I always have to be ready with an umbrella on days it's forecast to rain. I began my first couple of weeks stuttering through conversations in my rusty Japanese with cashiers and store staff, before observing and mimicking how the customer in front of me would interact and answer queries about point cards or whether you need a plastic bag. And because of the way I dress and do my make-up here, I get mistaken a lot for a local Japanese by classmates and store staff - whether or not that works to my advantage it's still too early to judge.

Japan is great but there are many aspects in which I feel lose out to Singapore. Communication and expression feels a lot less restricted and open back home, but this is due to culture and language with their differences in social expectations and implications. Food here is great but lacking in variety, so much so there are times I would actually get sick of rice and noodles and not feel like eating anything (which is unthinkable for a glutton like me). Most things are done in paperwork here which can be quite a chore for someone who's used to things being done online. The list goes on, and I'm not really complaining or ranting about the way things are here (maybe a bit haha) but it does make me appreciate things I might have taken for granted back home.

I miss Mom and Dad, my sisters and of course my loyal companion Skippy (he turns 16 today!), and the weekly skype calls home make me feel a little bittersweet as I look at them through the little screen and think of how drastically infrequent our interactions have become. But I feel like this is part of learning independence, and getting a taste of what it'll be like to move on from my current stage of life to the next in future. It's not 100% pleasant being away from home like this, but I feel like this is a necessary experience to have to prepare me for the future.

I'm also beginning to grow more independently in my thoughts. I see it evidently in my relationship with Cam. Even though we started out as an LDR I was still very much limited in my understanding and patience since I was in Singapore for the most part and couldn't empathize with Cam's experience of living overseas. But now that our roles are switched (I'm staying in Japan now while he's home in Perth) I'm beginning to see how it can't be helped at times we get caught up with things  set in a foreign environment and fail to notice the littlest details that might bother us at some point (well it's mostly me always having a bone to pick with him haha). I feel like this relationship isn't as hard to keep up as I previously misunderstood. Of course it helps that we skype almost if not everyday - I don't think a lot of couples out there in LDRs get to or probably want to do that due to busy schedules and time differences. It doesn't change the fact that I miss my man very very much but I will see him in a few months when he flies over, so in the meanwhile this will suffice.

Getting used to life here in Tokyo to the point it becomes "normal" sounds great to most, but a part of me doesn't want that. If things become reduced to a norm - a daily mundane routine - I feel like I would lose that motivation to go out to explore or try new things to grow myself while I can. I only have a year and I don't want it to be the case where I approach the end and regret not doing more with my time here. With that in mind, I want to continue living this Tokyo life with a vibrant outlook - so hopefully I'll fill out the pages of my diary and maybe this blog too with those adventures.

I suffer from genetic insecurity?

Sigh, I miss being in the countryside with its picturesque lush green landscapes and azure blue skies like the one in this photo. This was taken on a hike at Kurokawa Onsen and I definitely want to be back there again, both physically and emotionally when I was at peace and just focused on the nature around me.

Today I had conversations with both my older sisters separately - over brunch with Stacey (my second sister) and in the car on the way to the station in the evening with Stella (my eldest sister). Both of them have been married for more than a couple of years now. As I was ranting to them about our mother's chronic bouts of irrational insecurity (we had a disagreement this morning stemming from that), they both admitted that they do see the same insecurity in themselves as well when it comes to their relationships with their partners. And in the 8 or so months I've been together with my boyfriend, I definitely echo that sentiment, albeit painfully. Stacey says "it's probably genetic", and Stella calls it "our legacy". It is quite honestly to me, a huge pain in the ass I could do without.

We overthink things, get sensitive over unintentionally wrong choices of words or tones, can be emotional and defensive, and risk becoming irrational as well. It feels like madness to me sometimes - I feel like I could easily slip and succumb to drowning myself in all the worst outcomes and negative thoughts, and consequently resort to the most self-centred escape of bottling everything up and trying to hurt others around me in other ways. I phase from feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing, and then to anger and indignance, and then thoughts of destruction and vengeance, and finally just sadness when I realise I'm just really unhappy.

I find myself struggling to control myself at times, like a person pinching himself to keep awake. Most of the time I maintain my practical self, and make good decisions like choosing to talk things out honestly instead of being passive aggressive. But this lingering insecurity never seems to go away. A problem gets talked out and resolved only for something else to surface and test my insecurity again. This happens so many times I start to wonder if the problem lies with me being too emotionally demanding or with the people around me not being sensitive enough to my needs. And for the latter, you can only solve it by helping them see those needs through honest conversations. It's just that I get so tired of always having to point everything out, because it just makes me think about how needy and demanding I can come across. It makes me wonder if I'm the crazy one, or the one who needlessly cares more. It makes me want to consider giving up because it's so tiring to feel alone like that.

Why do I have to do the right thing, and feel like I've lost?

My mother and my two sisters definitely struggle the same way - I see it in the way my mom argues with my dad, the way my sisters describe how they deal with such things in their marriages. And I see it very clearly in how I am in this relationship. I get scared thinking of how I could sink in this insecurity like quicksand if I don't tread properly. I keep telling myself I don't want to be in an unhappy, uncommunicative relationship like my parents', and remind myself that being in a relationship means having to move beyond my own individual thoughts and into a teamwork. Who knows, one day this team might not work after all and break up, but I at least want to have done everything right and not give anyone the chance to say that I could have done better. That probably means I'd have to keep drawing out this madness and dealing with it, however trying and repetitive it may be.

Chronic illness were never easy to deal with anyway.

Being in this relationship

https://suwalls.com/anime/tombo-and-kiki-kikis-delivery-service-30498/

It's been more than a year since I last posted here! I don't think there was much readership for this to begin with, and I never intended it for a specific audience either - I just wanted a platform to vent thoughts and ideas on. So why the sudden comeback, Sam?

Well I never completely forgot this blog - was only lazy to write on this when I already had a physical diary which I still write in quite frequently. I often came back here to start up a draft only to discard it since I had nothing noteworthy to write. But as of late there have been new experiences in my life, and when I read back on the latest post I realized just how much has changed over the span of one year. I thought the year passed quite quickly, but seeing how much difference there is between the me then and the me now, the time passed doesn't feel as inconsequential as it seems to be.

Funny how I'm naming my homecoming post as such, since the last post which is slightly over a year ago was when I was still very much single and exasperated with the constant pressure around me to date and be in a relationship. And right now - you guessed it (well not quite I think the title is pretty self-explanatory) - I'm in a relationship!

And it's pretty different from the kind of ordinary relationship I always expected I'd have. I never would have imagined being in a long-distance relationship with an Australian guy that I just met in person once in Japan one fateful night during my field studies trip there last year. To me (and to most people I would imagine), that's a huge leap from being prepared to never being in a relationship to ending up in one that requires probably more effort and work to maintain as compared to most romantic relationships people have. It really just goes to show that life can be so unpredictable, and yes, you can have ideal types and stuff like that but all of that just flies out of the window once you do actually meet someone that you can just simply click with.

So as briefly as I can on how Cam and I met and ended up in an LDR:

Last year in May I went on a JS field studies trip to Kyushu with a small group from NUS, and as part of the itinerary we visited Amakusa which is a small island off Kyushu. Prof Chris arranged with Erin, a JET based there, to organize a barbecue one of the nights we were there. Cam was one of the other JETs invited to join as well. He accompanied our group to go see the fireflies while the barbecue was being set up (I later found out he was volunteered by the other JETs to chaperone us haha) and we started talking from there and through the rest of the night at the barbecue. I had so much fun talking to him since we had a lot in common in terms of interests and views.

I saw him again the next day at some onsen festival we took part in, but we didn't get to exchange contacts before I flew back to Fukuoka and then back to Singapore. I really wanted to talk to this guy again - so I tracked him down on Facebook (with my stalking skills from JC days hunting down senpai ;) ) through my Prof's friend list and added him there. Turns out he was also trying to search for me on Facebook, but couldn't find me (he forgot my name :/ ) so he added my Prof in hopes that I can find him instead. We chatted and skyped in the next few months, and it was going really well though I wasn't sure if he was interested in me romantically until he suddenly asked me into an LDR on Dec 7 (what a way to find out, right?), which I agreed to the next day after giving some thought to it.

It's been slightly over 6 months since then, and I think we've both worked well at making this relationship work despite the difficulties of physical proximity and juggling our work/school lives so far. The Internet is really helpful in helping us maintain constant communication, but even so it's important for us to arrange trips to meet each other. So far he's flown over here twice to see me - once in January for 5 days and recently this month for about 12 days.

The first time he came over we were still warming up to each other in person, since it actually is quite different from spending time together online even with Skype. We spent most of the 5 days going around Singapore doing the touristy stuff too, so we didn't really have much quality time in my opinion. The most recent visit however, I felt a lot more attached to him - evidently so since I was having a much harder time coming to terms with him flying off again, forming a large soaked patch on the left side of his shirt with tears (and maybe even a lil snot hehe) the night before he flew back to Japan.

I was just overwhelmed with thoughts about how tough it is to not be able to have him by my side as and when I want. In a regular ordinary relationship between a couple in the same location, they get to see each other pretty easily and frequently for a few hours in a day perhaps. Whereas in my case, I only get to see Cam in person in the week or so we travel to each other, though we both get to spend most if not all of the hours crammed within that duration together. I don't know which is a better arrangement, but I can definitely tell you that it makes it even harder to have someone go for a few months after practically living with you for about 12 days. Still, I wouldn't have it any other way now, since this is just how we are in this long distance relationship, and we can only both try our best to make this work.

What I really like about my boyfriend besides the fact that we have so much in common such as our interest in Japan, games, anime, art, music, cooking etc etc is that he really looks out so much for me and makes me feel protected with his calm and steady demeanour, and I'm able to just lower my guard around him and be myself. I laugh a lot around him and most people, but in front of him I cry and show emotions I usually hide from others a lot more. I feel like I'm imposing on him and can't really comfort him as much as he does for me, but he always assures me that he's willing to take on my feelings and that I'm doing a lot for him as well. We communicate really well with each other, and I really want things to stay that way for a long time. There're still more obstacles and things we need to face and overcome, such as religion, career, future plans etc and I don't think it will ever get easier on the whole, but I've got him as my trustworthy partner in this so I'm confident in facing them.

I chose this cover picture because I really like Kiki's Delivery Service and think that the characters kinda look a lil like us appearance-wise hehe. If we ever go to some dress-up event like Halloween's we could consider going as Tombo and Kiki maybe :P

About Pressure to Date

http://www.zerochan.net/1996169#full

As the youngest kid in my family with a pretty wide age gap between my two sisters and myself, I've had the opportunity and privilege to witness (with much interest and amusement) how my sisters experienced their long tumultuous love journeys before they found their partners for life. I remember shaking my head as my eldest sister broke up with her third boyfriend, and watching as my exasperated second sister fended off those relentless questions and concerns about why she hadn't had a boyfriend back then.

As all these played before my eyes like a riveting drama, I toyed with ideas and revelled in daydreams about the kind of relationship(s) I would be in when I grew into womanhood. I looked at my sisters then and was pretty convinced that if I avoided all the missteps they took, my "love life" would be far more enriching and exciting sans the little grievances and frustrations they went through in theirs.

That "love life" of mine felt so distant into the future then.

Right now I'm beginning to feel all the pressure my sisters would've gone through when they were in their early twenties. Not only are people asking about whether I've a boyfriend or why I still don't have one (as if asking about whether I have some insurance plan or some other possession), but people are actually offering to introduce potential partners!

I laughed when my eldest sister first told me about a new young teacher at her school whom she wanted to hook me up with. It was only after she sent me his contact number and constantly urged me to contact him up to this day that I realised she was actually dead serious. Another time my parents came home from a mahjong game at my aunt's place, bearing news that my soon-to-be-wed cousin had expressed her interest and intention in introducing a male colleague of hers to me at her wedding reception in June. And note that these two men are at least 5 years older than me and already working.

Of course, a five-year age gap between a couple sounds fine to me when you put it in general, but for now I just can't imagine myself talking to (much less going out with) someone whose maturity level seems beyond mine. Besides, being introduced like this seems a little unnatural to me. Any interaction would bear that slightly uncomfortable intention of trying to suss out the compatibility in between while getting to know the other person. Ideally, I'd want to develop feelings for a person whom I'd have known for a while, because only through an initially platonic friendship would I have a better judge of his personality and character.

That said, such opportunities are becoming lesser and lesser as you advance through years of school and subsequently enter the working world. You don't get to meet the same people for extended periods of time long enough to forge familiarity before ideas of going further seep in fast. I find that when I meet new people, just the slightest thing triggers me in that way. When I notice that a guy has a common interest, or is able to carry a pretty good conversation, or even just happens to give me the kind of attention that is favourable, I'm launched into questions and thoughts about our compatibility and chances of developing further, which would totally ruin my judgements about him because I'm either biased towards him or more critical about him.

And because I don't want to let a failed judgement lead to a relationship I'm not prepared to take responsibility for when it diverges into a forked road of either long-term commitment or breaking up, I end up pushing away all the opportunities that have presented themselves before. Some people have chided me on being "too picky", or advised me to "just let loose and date, it won't hurt!", and I wonder if I'm really just naively believing that I'm saving myself for the ideal relationship that has yet to come.

Maybe I'm just so used to being single for so long, I'm afraid to budge from the independence and freedom that comes with it. Or perhaps I'm afraid of actually being involved with raw feelings of affection and romantic love and failing miserably, after warming the benches at the sidelines for so long watching as others give their all in the game. I'm just probably sitting there all prim and proper, being all critical as I watch others rough themselves out, giving myself false assurance that at least I'm not subjecting myself to unnecessary hurt like they are. But I also watch a little enviously as they gain that sense of achievement in falling and rising again, finally scoring a home run at the end of it all.

I've been watching a drama called Tokyo Tarareba Musume, which translates into Tokyo "What-if" Girls. It centers on three 30 year-old women who are best friends, and how they encounter difficulties pursuing love because they had either held back or thrown away opportunities when they were younger. They often congregate at a bar to drink and vent their sorrows, often lamenting many "what-ifs" and "if onlys". While I thoroughly enjoyed the comedic scenes, I was led to question whether I would one day be 30 years old before I realise it and find myself regretting all the missed opportunities in my twenties. Right now it seems so far away, but back then even, the twenties seemed distant too.

Of course the big question is: Pressures aside, do I really want to be in a relationship and eventually marry? Honestly, yes. I do. I love my freedom and independence now, but I do desire to be with someone with whom I will live the rest of my life with, experience all sorts of things together with, and most importantly someone who would lead me in my walk of faith as well. For now, I don't want to resort to schemes and tactics that people teach to ensnare men or whatever, but I'll just be myself and continue being the way I am now. If it is God's will for me to meet someone, then I will.